Time for New Year's Resolutions Again

Yes, dear friends, it's that time of year again - the eve of what the modern Western world considers the New Year thanks to the Catholic Church and the Gregorians.  (Why they put the blinkin New Year in the middle of Winter, long after the Solstice, but well before things start actually turning to Spring with Imbolc and the Lambing season, I have NO idea - they were idiots.)

So anyway, I've been contemplating whether or not to make any New Year's Resolutions this year, and if I do what they should be.  I've learned through past efforts (or lack of effort, really) that I'm not particularly good at even coming Close to keeping the various Resolutions I've made.  I just don't seem to have the willpower to manage sticking to any of them.  Or perhaps rather than a lack of willpower, I should be honest with myself and call it what it is: deep seated laziness coupled with an absolute complacency about life.  Inertia.  Ennui.  Apathy.

It's time for me to put a stop to that, though, and start showing a bit of responsibility again.   I've taken the past few years to be (mostly) irresponsible about life, putting things on the back burner that shouldn't have been, wasting time and money as though I were going through a second set of the teen years.  Then again, when I was a teen, I had this nasty tendency to be ultra responsible, and therefore much lacking in FUN in my life a lot of the time.

It's time for some changes in my life.  I'm finally ready for a few, and in a much better position to appreciate them - and to Not forget what brought me to the point of wanting/needing those specific changes.

So to that end, here is my "list" for 2012, and perhaps a bit of insight into what brought about these particular resolutions...

1. I resolve to Stop Smoking.  Now, for the past 30 years, I've had an addiction to nicotine.  Such is not easy to simply set aside.  It's a physical dependency, rather than simply an emotional crutch or psychological bolstering agent.  During the past year, though, I've gone back to work - at a job where I don't have much opportunity to stop and smoke.  I only get a couple of breaks, spread far apart during the night, and the only time I can smoke is while I'm on break or on lunch - and even then I have to go outside to do so, since the company took out all smokers' breakrooms at the end of July of this past year.  Heat, cold, rain, wind... doesn't matter - if I want nicotine, I have to go out into it, which is a growing pain in the rump.  Then there's the simple fact that my current partner doesn't smoke.  He used to, and managed to quit years ago.  He doesn't complain about my smoking.  He's never made any indication that my smoking bothers him.  He hasn't asked me not to smoke around him.  I still make a conscious effort not to smoke while he and I are together.  It's facilitated by the fact that I can't smoke inside when I'm at his place (much like I can't smoke inside at work) or while we're in the car together - and he doesn't slow down long enough walking from a restaurant or business for me to do more than take a couple of quick puffs, not even enough to make it worth it to light one in the first place.  Granted, I don't have the boredom smoking while I'm with him, or the whole "this is when I would normally unthinkingly reach for one and light it" smoking that I do at home, or the "OMG I'm so stressed out I either have to smoke or I'm gonna kill something" feeling that I get at work or when I'm crawling the walls with frustration home alone.  I've cut down from almost 2 packs a day to less than a half pack a day during the past 6 months, and even managed during the end of July/beginning of August to go for 2 weeks completely without, and nothing ended up dead by my hands during that time lol.  Yes, it's time.  I can do this, and I'm not the weak minded follower little girl that I was 30 years ago, desperate to be thought "cool" by my friends who smoked.
2. I resolve to lose 50 lbs or 3 sizes, whichever happens first.  I'm more concerned with toning up, getting in shape, and pulling myself away from the edge of potential diabetes than I am with my Weight or Size, per se.  While 50 lbs won't even begin to get me close to what Society says is my "ideal" weight for my height and bone structure, it Will make me a lot more comfortable, increase my stamina, make my clothes fit better, lower my blood pressure, improve my circulation and muscle fatigue issues, and make me feel better about myself overall.  Again - other half hasn't ever brought up my weight as an issue - and in fact has done a lot to make me feel good about myself, and how I look, and how the world sees me.  (Have I mentioned that he's an incredible man, and I'm truly blessed to have him as a part of my life?  If I haven't, I should, because I am!)  
3. I resolve to be more financially responsible during the coming year.  I've spent the past several months spending money on stupid stuff I didn't need, while sometimes neglecting to do things that I Should have been doing, like paying off bills that are still sitting and waiting for me.  I've made way to many excuses for doing so.  It's time for me to stop making the excuses, quit squandering money on things that are completely useless, and get my life back on track fiscally.

Thoughts because of seeing my high school sweet heart

I don't think you ever knew how much I loved you, back when we were still kids, learning about life together in high school.  You never knew how much you meant to me.  You never knew how much your smile lit my whole world.  You had no clue just how deep the anguish went when you said goodbye and went on to bigger, brighter, better things than what we shared together.  You grasped the dreams that burned so brilliantly through your eyes and burned their way into my very soul, running with them and making them come true for you.

Me?  I had my dreams as well.  Grand dreams of love and life and the future.  Some of them I managed to hold on to, if only barely.  Others went the way of the dinosaur...... the way of our youthful affection for each other.

I learned eventually to live without those dreams of glory. 

I went on with my life, and every time I fell down, I made myself get back up again.

I even managed to quit thinking about you, after enough time had passed and you hadn't come back into my life.

It's taken me more than 25 years, but I finally managed to find someone to replace all that you were in my heart and my life.  Someone who shares dreams with me, who's smile lights up my whole world like yours used to, who's happiness has become the center of my being and my own happiness, like yours used to be.

We went our separate ways long ago.  We can never go back to where we were - or who we were - back then.  We've changed, life has changed, the world has changed, even our memories of what we did and who we were and what the world was like have changed.

You helped make me who I am today.  Your companionship during my early years helped to form me, and to set the expectations I've got now.  Your image was what other men were held up next to, only to fall short of what I wanted out of the man in my life.    Thank you - for having been who you were, for helping me to be who I was and who I became, and for having been my friend.