Time Heals........ or does it?

The cliche is that Time Heals All Wounds.  Some would almost call it a truism rather than simply a cliche, because for so many people, it is indeed the case.  I'm finding though that sometimes, time doesn't actually heal a wound.. it simply allows it to scab over a bit so that it's not a glaring, gaping, open sore oozing emotional pus all over everyone around.

There are a few emotional wounds in my past that it took me years to finally actually get over.  It didn't take that long because I somehow "wanted" to hang on to the wounds or the emotional grief they caused me.  They simply..... never quite went away, no matter how hard I tried to forget, or whether I talked about them or didn't, or how frequently I told myself that it was useless to hold on to the ache and that I should simply let it go.

All my life, people have been telling me, "just let it go - it's over, and there's nothing you can do to change the past, so why bother to keep talking about it (or why do you still ache from it?)"  Various psyche sorts, family members, and the odd boyfriend now and then, have all told me that.  If only it were as easily done as said.  Saying "it's in the past, let it go since you can't change it" is really easy - for anyone - even the most compassionate person on the planet.  Actually being able to forget, step beyond the various hurts, and put them behind you without significantly changing you?  Now that's something that's not nearly so easy to accomplish.

It's the most wonderful time... eh, who am I kidding?

That's right boys and girls, it's that time of the year again.  It's the holiday season, the end of the year and nearly time to turn the calendars to a new number.  It's currently the day after Christmas (Yule, technically was the Friday prior - which is what I personally celebrate.)  And yes, it's time for that annual review of how things have gone, what I hope to change in the coming 12 months, etc ad nauseum that most folks refer to as New Year's Resolutions.

Personally, the only resolution I've ever managed to keep with any sort of strength or staying power was the resolution that I made several years ago not to make any more New Year's Resolutions.  I think I'll continue to make that one last - I'm not Making any Resolutions.

So, what about the year in review?  Let's face it, 2012 SUCKED.  It stank with the rankness of Limburger paired with old gym socks and toxic diapers from a toddler.  I've spent the better portion of 2012 sick as a dog, with my Lupus flaring to the point that I've frequently wished I could simply go to sleep and not wake up again.  This year has given me fresh insight into why my mother spent the last 3 to 5 years of her life praying daily for death to come take her, so that she could quit being in constant pain.  While things have nominally improved since my appointment with the Rheumatologist during the beginning of this  month, they are no where near the point that they should be, and don't look likely to improve sufficiently for me to declare myself "well" again any time in the near future.

This past 12 months has seen some major stressers happen in my life.  I lost the family home to property tax crap.  Ah property taxes - that legal extortion from the government which says "Yes, we know you've already bought and paid for this, and that you own it - but you'll pay us each year for the privilege of Using what you own or we'll steal it from you!"  And so the nightmare began on finding a new place to live, which culminated in me moving in with my boyfriend and his two room mates. 

Yeah... about Room mates... there's a Reason that I much prefer to live Alone when I can.  Frankly, I've come to the conclusion that much of the continued stress which caused my major flare back in late August/ early September was due to the stress of putting up with those room mates.  Don't get me wrong.  She's nice enough, and even tolerable a good 85% of the time (at least before she quit work due to maternity leave, which she never went back to prior to them moving.)  Her other half, whom I still refer to as TweedleDum the greatest part of the time, was a different story.  I'm not going to go into it further than that, because I don't want my blood pressure spiking and going through the roof - let's simply suffice it to say that he was a PITA, and not of the pleasant variety.  Of course, them moving out to leave state and live with her family hasn't really put a Stop to the stress that they were part of.  She owned the house that J and I still live in - only it's been in foreclosure for the majority of the time I've known them - and the foreclosure finalized within days of her and her S.O. moving. 

Which means...........

That's right, I'm back in house hunting mode, and have been since the beginning of this month.  Currently it looks like J and I will have until about this time next month to find a place, get utilities set up, and get moved.  Assuming Fannie Mae (the current owner of the property, since they bought it back at the foreclosure auction) doesn't decide to kick us out right after New Year.

So twice in 6 months I find myself effectively homeless and wondering where I'm going to find a roof to keep over my head.  We aren't completely out of options just yet, but that point is rapidly approaching, and I'd rather not find myself living out of my car.  (Yeah, the one truly Good thing that happened this year - I managed to get my driver's license reinstated and get a car.  Which means that the fiasco of having dealt with Matthew the Loser is finally completely over and done with.)

A few other "good" things have happened this year.  After all, even the worst  year generally has Something good to be remembered.  On that side of the scale is my car, getting my license back, being able to go to one of the major SCA events of this kingdom and spend time with my Thunder Family, and a couple of specific friends who have helped maintain my sometimes tenuous grip on sanity. 

That's something for the rest of you to stop and contemplate:  despite everything I've been through in my life, I still smile - not because I'm strong, but because I'm utterly batshit crazy.  That should scare you.

Ah well, in only a few days, the calendar will change to a new set of months, and we'll see what sort of lemonaid I end up making with next year's batch of problems.