Lately I've been asking myself some serious questions about my life: where it's been, where it's going, whether I want to make any sort of significant changes in who and what I am. I've been asking myself that not only due to the plethora of complete and utter assholes who have peppered my past relationships, but also due to some recent comments from others (both male and female) concerning certain of my personality quirks and hobbies.
Now I'm the first to admit that I've got a huge independent streak, and more traditionally masculine hobbies than you can shake a stick at. I'm a tomboy. I have been pretty much my whole life. I've never had much use for a lot of the girly type stuff such as shopping, or the ever cliched soap opera watching. I seldom wear makeup. I rarely wear dresses unless I'm going someplace where blue jeans and a tshirt would be completely inappropriate. I have tattoos, and I intend to get more. I'm as at home camping and fishing as any of the guys I know, and probably a lot more at home doing so than several of them. I'm more than capable of keeping my own vehicle maintained, changing a tire on the side of the road, pumping gas, changing oil and filters, bleeding brakes - and therefore seldom bother taking a car to a mechanic unless it's something Seriously Wrong. I love being a gun owner, and going out to the range for target shooting - and frankly would rather do that than spend a day at a spa. (Though honestly - spending a day at a spa, getting deep tissue massage, manicure, pedicure, and facial is one of those rare "girly" kinda things that I Do enjoy doing on a fairly regular basis.)
Lately though, it seems that every time I turn around I'm getting criticized for simply being myself. I've been getting told consistently that instead of being confident in my own abilties, independent, and self reliant - that I'm abrasive, arrogant, and conceited. I'm hearing a lot, lately, about how to many of my hobbies are "unfeminine" - and therefore *I must somehow be completely lacking in femininity. While I can appreciate the inherent beauty in another woman's form, I'm frequently being told that I come across as a lesbian dyke. And I'm not, strictly speaking, bisexual - I'm refer to myself as "heteroflexible" simply because the idea isn't utterly abhorrent to me, and there Are women out there whom I would find intriguing in that particular arena.
If the only way that I can get people to quit considering me abrasive, arrogant, conceited.. or dykish... is to quit being Myself, then I think I'll just start snubbing those who make such comments. If the only way males are going to consider me Feminine is if I act like some simpering, whimpering, weak minded, weak willed, incompetent nothing who can't take care of herself...... then I think I prefer to be mistaken for a dyke.
An End to Our Pillow
2 hours ago