I've spent my whole life struggling with my weight.
When I was in
high school, 25 years ago, I thought I was huge as a healthy size 7 to 9,
because I went to school with a bunch of size 0's and 1's (the Popular
girls - the cheerleaders, the honor students, the fashionistas, and
favorites of all the guys at an age when that was Incredibly important
for self image.)
25 years, 2 children, a few hormonal changes, and a
nasty illness (Systemic Lupus) later.... and I'm still struggling with
my weight, though for different reasons.
I don't consider myself huge any more. I eat Healthy, rather than
obsessing about it. I don't worry about whether I could fit into the
hideous clothing that high fashion dictates we're all supposed to be
able (or at least Want to be able) to fit into. While I wouldn't mind
being able to loose a bit of weight for the sake of my joints, I've
accepted the fact that as long as I have Lupus (meaning = the rest of my
life) I'm GOING to be on corticosteroids and I'm GOING to have weight
issues due to those medications regardless of how healthy I eat. I've
long since accepted the fact that I will Never Again be Physically
Healthy enough to get sufficient exercise - because most days I count it
as a win if I'm able to get out of bed without spending a few minutes
whimpering in pain and hiding tears of agony from my partner.
Being thin - regardless of how I were to get there - is not going to
make the Lupus go away.
Being thin - regardless of how I were to get
there - is not going to make the Fibromyalgia go away.
Being thin - regardless of how I were to get there - is not going to make the joint and tissue damage go away.
Being thin - regardless of how I were to get there - is not going to get
me off the meds, take away the medication induced diabetes, restore all
the myriad things I'm not able to do any more, restore mobility lost
due to joint damage that wasn't caused by weight, suddenly make it to
where I'm no longer allergic to being out in the sun because of
photosensitivity, take away the depression that having a serious chronic
illness and being allergic to myself causes me, take away the migraines
or the muscle problems or the constant pain or the creeping vision
None of that is EVER going away, no matter how thin or fat or in between I happen to be, not until the day I die.
An End to Our Pillow
2 hours ago