The Long and Short (or Thin and Fat) of it all

I've spent my whole life struggling with my weight.

When I was in high school, 25 years ago, I thought I was huge as a healthy size 7 to 9, because I went to school with a bunch of size 0's and 1's (the Popular girls - the cheerleaders, the honor students, the fashionistas, and favorites of all the guys at an age when that was Incredibly important for self image.)

 25 years, 2 children, a few hormonal changes, and a nasty illness (Systemic Lupus) later.... and I'm still struggling with my weight, though for different reasons.

I don't consider myself huge any more. I eat Healthy, rather than obsessing about it. I don't worry about whether I could fit into the hideous clothing that high fashion dictates we're all supposed to be able (or at least Want to be able) to fit into. While I wouldn't mind being able to loose a bit of weight for the sake of my joints, I've accepted the fact that as long as I have Lupus (meaning = the rest of my life) I'm GOING to be on corticosteroids and I'm GOING to have weight issues due to those medications regardless of how healthy I eat. I've long since accepted the fact that I will Never Again be Physically Healthy enough to get sufficient exercise - because most days I count it as a win if I'm able to get out of bed without spending a few minutes whimpering in pain and hiding tears of agony from my partner.

Being thin - regardless of how I were to get there - is not going to make the Lupus go away.
Being thin - regardless of how I were to get there - is not going to make the Fibromyalgia go away.
Being thin - regardless of how I were to get there - is not going to make the joint and tissue damage go away.
Being thin - regardless of how I were to get there - is not going to get me off the meds, take away the medication induced diabetes, restore all the myriad things I'm not able to do any more, restore mobility lost due to joint damage that wasn't caused by weight, suddenly make it to where I'm no longer allergic to being out in the sun because of photosensitivity, take away the depression that having a serious chronic illness and being allergic to myself causes me, take away the migraines or the muscle problems or the constant pain or the creeping vision loss.

None of that is EVER going away, no matter how thin or fat or in between I happen to be, not until the day I die.