Thursday, May 20, 2010

Fish Fry, Reduex

In an effort to both maintain what my original intent with a prior (currently deleted) post was, I'm posting this greatly edited version. My intent, even in the first version, was both to vent off some remaining rage at what happened.. and primarily to examine some of my own shortcomings in the matter.

Apparently, some found the original post to have fallen rather short of the mark. It has been saved, pending re post or destruction into electronic oblivion, depending upon whether or not certain things happen or don't happen. Either way, THIS post will not find the same fate, regardless of whether it happens to rile the sensibilities of another. I won't be so polite or kind a second time, regardless of anyone else's feelings in the matter.

So without further adieu, let us move on to the redeux....

When it comes to dating, and most especially when it comes to break ups of any sort, people inevitably spout the old saying that there are always more fish in the sea. Trust me on this one, it's a truism for a reason. And since that particular truism equates all humans of one's prefered gender to fish, I've decided that it's time to light a fire, heat up some oil, pick over the bones, and dispose of the carcass.

This little rant is about 6 weeks overdue, really, and it's being written now with a bit of hindsight. I've waited to write this in order to examine both my own shortcomings when dealing with my recently ended relationship, and to bring myself to a point where I could examine his shortcomings with a touch less rancor than I would have been able to accomplish had I attempted to write this sooner.

Another old saying, when discussing breakups, is that there is her story, his story, and the truth laying somewhere in the middle of the two. For the most part, this is indeed the case. And such that it is, I make no claim to being faultless or guilt free in the destruction of my former relationship.

I cannot say what his true motives were, or his true reasoning in his decision to terminate our relationship rather than attempt to work on it further in the hopes of salvaging things. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a mind reader. I can at best divulge my own perspective on things, seasoned with hindsight and what he has chosen to give me as his reasoning. While this will no doubt leave as many questions as it answers, and by it's nature will hardly give a complete picture of the situation, it is the best available to me until such time as I suddenly DO become a mind reader.

This particular comedy of errors - or perhaps tragi-comedy - started at the beginning of October, 2009. Not very long ago, was it? No, not very long at all, and yet in some senses, a lifetime ago in learning about myself. He and I were introduced by a mutual acquaintance at an SCA function.

My mistakes began with ignoring rules of my own making. There were things that my internal sensors screamed at me about, which I ignored and justified to myself. I shouldn't have done so. It is almost always a mistake not to listen to that internal voice when it warns you that doing something is an error in judgement. Ignoring these particular comments from instinct and inner voice had a particular side effect, though - this mistake set up the pattern for a couple of future mistakes on my own part down the road, of a somewhat similar nature.

My second mistake was in failing to recognize my own state of emotional neediness at that point in time, and to take it into account. I jumped, head long, at the first opportunity presented to me to meet certain emotional needs. I did so without pausing to consider the potential consequences, or whether such a liaison was suitable, sustainable, or healthy. I knew better. I had internal misgivings about doing so. And I subsequently ignored them in order to satisfy my need for companionship and affection with someone who was of my age group, enjoyed some (or in this case many) of my hobbies, was of a suitable gender, and not a family member in need of a full time caregiver. I wanted to feel loved, and to no longer be lonely for the company of someone other than casual friends or dependant family. I should have simply bought a dog. (Oh wait - those tend to fall under the category of "dependant family member" in short order, since you have to feed them, water them, potty train them, clean up after them, and see to all their needs. Now I remember why I didn't simply go buy a dog!)

My third mistake goes back to what I said a moment ago about ignoring my internal voice, my own rules, and my instincts again. There were things which I knew would repeat themselves, which my inner voice screamed at me not to ignore or justify to myself or pass over. I did anyway. Ignoring that inner voice over these issues, though, caused some serious damage to my capacity to trust.

I convinced myself, at least for a time, that my trust was merely wounded and could recuperate with sufficient time, and a bit of effort. That death of trust on my part started a rather nasty downward spiral for both of us. I became depressed - a condition which I was already far to familiar with, since I've been diagnosed as having Clinical Depression - and that depression increased until apathy set in. The more depressed I became, the more apathetic I became. The more apathetic I became, the more he withdrew from me. The more he withdrew, the more depressed and apathetic I became.

It was a spiral that we could have put a stop to, had things not already been destroyed by various issues on both sides of the coin. The sex died, the playtime died, communication - other than occasionally snarling at one another over various slights and faults - died. By this time he'd already made up his mind to leave. And I had already made up my mind that if I could get things sufficiently in order not to need him Financially, I would tell him that it was time to end it and for him to move on. I resolved myself to simply maintain the status quo until such time as I could free myself from him financially. He had apparently resolved to maintain the status quo until his conditions were suitable.

Those conditions of his - which remain his own - were apparently met when I learned a rather nasty life lesson that kept me..... Detained.. for a couple of weeks - those lessons being fodder for another post, coming soon.

The relationship had been dead for quite a while by that point. I simply hadn't allowed myself to consciously Admit that it was dead and needed to be buried, before the rotting corpse brought about a level of contagion that couldn't be contained. He finally moved a little over a week ago. I had allowed him to continue living here, as a rent paying tenant, after having him move into a separate bedroom. I would have been willing to allow him to continue living here as long as he needed, as a rent paying tenant. He, however, had other ideas - mostly because he got angry when I confronted his new gal. She apparently panicked about being told such by me, called him, and he came rushing back to the house in a near rage to being throwing his things into his van to move. He should have thought it through a bit better, since he'd already learned that the rental property he was supposed to move into was uninhabitable at the time - he ended up living out of the back of his van and their moving truck for several days, and while he's currently sitting in Cincinnati with her, preparing to finish moving her back here with him, for all I know their new "home" is still an uninhabitable shambles which the landlord is dragging feet about repairing.

Ah well. Lessons have been learned. I've woken up to some truths about myself, and the consequences of putting off my own needs for too many years. And I've quit grieving about the ended relationship. I honestly wish neither of them any ill - only what each of them deserves, whatever fate might decree that to be. I can hope for all of us - both those involved, and those who simply read this account - that things can progress to happier circumstances. As for myself, I move on with my life, and have resolved not to forget the lessons that this ill-fated attempted has shown me.

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