Thursday, May 20, 2010

Rhi's Rhules and Rhetoric for Rhelationships

Rhule 1.) Don't Do It. Just don't. Yes, I know, you think you're in Lurve. But trust me on this one, it's a brief hormonal fluctuation, and you'll get over it in about the same length of time that it takes to get over a hormone induced hot flash.

Rhule 2.) If you must break Rhule #1, then for the love of the gods and little green apples, do so with a bit of Intelligence. Thinking with your genitals isn't pretty at the best of times, and at the worst of times can land you in an unexpected nightmare.

In light of my own nasty habit of ignoring both of those basic rhules for a sucessful life and meaningful rhelationships, how about a few pointers on how I'm trying to learn to follow at Least #2 a little more closely? These are the distilled nuggets of everlasting truth that I've gained over the course of too many relationships during the past 30 years.

Never ignore your gut instincts, after a good roll in the hay to relieve tension, when they scream at you, "Get up, get dressed, smile politely and tell him thanks for the fantastic orgasm, then GO HOME AND FORGET HE EXISTS."

Never be willing to settle for whatever happens to come along, rather than what you honestly Want in a partner. You'll regret it. It will make you miserable in the long run. And you'll end up angry at yourself, resentful of your unsuitable partner, and missing opportunity when someone suitable Does walk into your life.

Never be willing to date someone who has spent more time in prison than you have, or whose bad habits are significantly worse than your own. You aren't going to change them, and in the long run, you'll end up asking yourself far too frequently what you saw in them in the first place.

Never be willing to date someone whom you know is willing to cheat. If they will cheat WITH you (or someone else) they will eventually cheat ON you as well. Tigers don't change their stripes, and neither do those who are willing to discard loyalty at the drop of a hat (or pair of panties.) If you don't care whether they sneak around behind your back, frequently lie to you on a massive scale, have no respect for you, and no regard for whatever promises you made to each other - then feel free to disregard this one.

Never date someone whom you know is willing to lie to you about the big issues. Eventually, you'll find out the truth anyway. You always do. And if you find out long after the fact, because they lied about something big (like cheating, or a felony record) you'll end up feeling miserable, betrayed, and angry. (And probably thinking up creative ways to perform castration, and new recipes for a type of faux mountain oysters.)

Never date someone who puts you down, degrades you, humiliates you, doesn't respect you, or puts you last behind everyone else they know. Just trust me on this one. Nuff said about it.

Never, EVER, put someone first in your life who has not put you first in Their life. If they're not willing to put you ahead of everyone else, they don't deserve to be placed ahead of everyone else. Along with this goes a second portion: Never make someone a priority in life, if you are merely a convenience in thier's.

And finally....

Forgive and Forget = Relive and Regret. Forgive them all you like for their flaws. They're human, after all, just like you are. But don't turn around and forget what they've done after forgiving them. If you forget, then it will keep happening, and you'll find yourself perplexed. Forgive them, send them on their way, and chalk it up to a lesson learned.

Edited to add: If they mention that ugly "m" word (you know- Marriage) in any positive form, run screaming for the hills as fast as possible. And never allow someone you're dating to move into your home, regardless of circumstances, unless you've been seeing each other for longer than 2 years and are currently engaged due to ignoring the warning about running for the hills.


  1. I would agree that there's no such thing as love at first sight-you can't know if you love someone unless you know them well, and you can't know them well without time. Go ahead and enjoy the lust while it lasts, but don't get your life entangled with theirs until you are pretty certain they are worthy--and that takes significant time. Take things slow, don't let them move in, don't give them your checkbook or credit card too soon. If this is unacceptable to them, they should be unacceptable to you--people worthy of trust will understand that it must be earned.

    Don't get serious about a fixer-upper--If they are fun, have fun but if they aren't someone you'd want to live with as is, forget about living with them. There's a far greater chance that they will get worse when you move together than better. This applies to all aspects of a relationship--honesty, monogamy, cleanliness and manners, to name a few.

    Forgive is fine to a point, but I agree it doesn't mean forget. It basically means that you drop it unless it happens again--at that point you assume it will keep happening, and decide if that's a dealbreaker.

    I've got a minor argument with "don't date if they have had more prison than you"--the rules should work both ways, so you'd be limiting yourself to people with exactly equal records..I'd condsider both the record, and how long ago it was--several decades but clean since might be OK.

  2. Sevesteen, while I can Almost agree with you on that whole prison record thing - it's only an almost. My rule for myself in that regard comes from experience. And from seeming to only meet (single) guys these days for whom a felony record of some sort is a given. That means they can't legally own or handle guns, and that means one of my current favorite hobbies (shooting) is off limits to them. Nor can they sit around with me holding a gun cleaning party. Nor can they (legally) even hand me my gun from the bedside table if there's a noise outside. That simply isn't an issue that I'm personally willing to overlook for the sake of a piece of ass, no matter how good he is in bed or how nice a guy he might be otherwise.

  3. I am not even close to advocating equal dating rights for felons. I guess I was not thinking of the distinction between jail and prison, and was thinking more along the lines of someone who manged to go to jail for speeding tickets, and the specificity of the rule making it difficult if you both had the same standards. I have never been to jail, and even most misdemeanors would at least be strikes by my standards, if not an outright disqualifier. (this is all hypothetical at this point, I'm happily married, and my wife wants me to remain monogamous.) The more time has passed, the more serious crime I'd be willing to accept--but I'm pretty sure that if enough time had passed for me to accept most felonies, that person would be too old for me anyhow.