Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hapless Holidays

I've never been particularly fond of Christmas.  Ever since I became old enough to realize that Santa was simply my parents/grandparents waiting til we kids had gone to bed to pull out the various toys (which had already been discovered "hidden" in their closet a month earlier!) and put them under the tree - I've been of the opinion that Christmas is for fools, fakes, and frauds.  The older I've gotten, the more convinced of this I've become.  And since I quit practicing Christianity years ago, and became an out of the closet pagan, I'm even more dead set against this particular usurped holiday.

Of course, the advent of Christmas Music on the intercom system at work, even though we're barely a week past Samhain (that's Halloween, for all you abrahamic folks who prefer the christianized version of the holiday) has brought home once again that Midwinter is approaching.  And of course, it's brought to mind my favorite Anti-Christmas song, "The 12 Days After Christmas" - high satire at it's finest.

Considering the price tag attached to the traditional "gifts" mentioned in that oh-so-overdone christmas tune, I personally find the satire to be rather appropriate.

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight!  And so I chopped the pear tree down, and burned it just for spite.  And with a single cartridge, I shot that fucking partridge, my true love (my true love) my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup!  I had to use the 3 french hens to make some chicken soup.  The 4 calling birds were a big mistake, for their language was Obscene.  And the 5 gold rings were completely Fake - for they turned my fingers Green! 
The sixth day after Christmas, the 6 laying geese wouldn't lay.  I sent the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA.  On the seventh day what a mess I found, all 7 of the swimming swans had Drowned!  That my true love (my true love) my true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect, I bundled up the 8 maids a milking, 9 ladies dancing, 10 lords a leaping, 11 pipers piping, 12 drummers drumming (ok, Ok, so I Kept one of the Pipers!) and sent them back ....... Collect!
I told my true love, "We are Through, Love.  And further more this word - this Christmas song is for the.... "

4 Calling Birds
3 French Hens
2 Turtle Doves
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

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