Monday, September 21, 2015

The Truth? You can't HANDLE the TRUTH!

Many of us are in the habit of lying.  We lie so much, on such a daily basis, that we even lie to ourselves and convince ourselves that we don't lie.

I'm not talking about huge, earth shattering lies ("No dear, I would never have an affair - not even if you suddenly became a drooling, wheelchair bound vegetable in need of 24/7 care and nothing but autonomic brain function, while I'm still young and vital and full of life and energy!")  I'm talking about those constant little white lies that we all tell each other and ourselves every day.

We've all had "that" conversation.  The one that goes like this:
Friend: "Hey - how's life been treatin' ya?"
You    : "Pretty good" (lie)  "How about yourself?"
Friend: "Can't complain!" (lie) "See ya later!"
Of course there's the lie where we feign interest in a hobby or news article or game or TV show that our friend, family member, spouse, or significant other is "discussing" with us.  We smile and nod and make the appropriate interested sounds or small, vague comments that tell them what they're talking about actually means something to us. 

The truth, of course, is that while we smile and nod and make the appropriate vague remarks, we're sitting there thinking, "Hey dipshit - if I actually gave 2 fucks about that, I would take part in the hobby/ play the game/etc Myself!"  But of course saying that would be rude and hurtful, so we keep it to ourselves and allow them to go on believing that we actually give a single solitary shit about what's coming out of their mouth at that moment.

Or those times when someone asks us how we're feeling.  This is a biggie for folks like myself, who suffer from a chronic illness.  The truth is that we're tired, we're over worked, we're in pain both physical and emotional, and we have a sense of combined ennui and apathy.  Depression consumes us, and we feel alone and lost even when surrounded by folks whom we call friends and loved ones.  We consider life to be fairly fucking miserable, and we often wonder why we don't simply lay down and wait to die, since nothing we do is going to actually make any sort of Difference.

What we tell them is that we're fine - we're great - we've never been better.  We smile and thank them for their concern.  We blather about how the doctor thinks we're doing better on the change of meds.  We laugh and tell them about this great new therapy protocol that we've started and how hopeful we are that it will make the difference.  And then we change the subject to avoid the potential of them figuring out that we're lying with every exhaled breath.

Don't expect people to stop lying to you.  Don't expect to stop lying to yourself.  Its deeply ingrained into human nature to avoid conflict, and we're all going to keep doing it.