Saturday, July 6, 2019

Don't talk to me about your God, Just Don't.

What I have to say right now is not going to be particularly Pleasant.  In fact, there are no doubt some who will find it terribly offensive - especially if they happen to be highly religious or rather devout in their religion.  This is your opportunity to walk away now, because there won't be any apologies if you happen to become offended.

The same is true for all you special little snowflakes who are worried about being somehow Triggered by someone else's comments or opinions.  Opt out now - because I lack the time or the give a shit to have any sympathy for you.

Don't talk to me about your god.  Just Don't.  I no longer have the patience to maintain a polite facade while you drone on and on about how Wonderful and Loving and yada yada yada blah blah...

Loving?  Bullshit.

Beings who honestly and truly LOVE....... do not turn around and then Threaten, Abandon, Brow Beat, or Guilt Trip those whom they hold in such regard.

Beings who honestly and truly LOVE....... do not turn around and constantly Judge those whom they hold in such regard, demanding that they constantly beg forgiveness simply for Existing.

They SURE AS FUCK don't claim to Love from one side of their face...... while demanding Unthinking Obedience with threats of Torture and Abandonment as a result of failure on some level.

No.  Those are Not the actions of a being who expresses Love.  Those are the actions of a Narcissist.  Those are the actions of an Abuser.

All knowing?  All seeing?  All Caring?  horse shit.

Where was your God when a six month old infant lay in her crib, and her only sibling attempted to murder her........ and instead of being concerned about the potential psychopath in their home, the person who should have been her caregiver Laughed about it, and thought it was Funny?

Where was your God when a 2 year old child was being beaten Bloody with the limb from a fruit tree, because her 3 yr old sibling did something wrong.... but their caregiver was just Sure it couldn't be lil mr perfect sib.

Where was your God when a child too young to understand anything got told they were worthless and stupid and a waste of space?  Not once, but daily for years.

Where was your God when a child of 5 was left standing alone in the front yard, by someone that was supposed to be her parent.... and then 6 months later very literally Stepped On because that "parent" refused to acknowledge her existence, and looked at her with less remorse than a person would show for stepping on a cockroach?

Where was your God when a child of 6 was told that God Loved Her...... but if she wasn't Obedient, then God would Send Her To Eternal Torture For Being Bad?

Where was your God when a child of 8 came home happy to have made the highest score in class on the test..... only to be told that she must have Cheated, because she was too stupid to get that otherwise?

Where Was Your God?  Where was your GOD as that child grew to 13, only to be sexually abused by a man more than twice her age?

Where was your God when she was Raped by someone she Knew a few years later?  Where was God when she got told she was making it up out of jealousy when she tried to tell someone what happened?

Where was your God when she was being shamed into getting married, because she was pregnant?  Where was God when that husband abused her? Where was God when that husband's family abused her? 

Where was your God when that little girl, now covered in so many emotional scars that she couldn't even being to recognize herself, finally had her child....... only to have to deal with genetic defects that should have killed the kid..... if not for the intervention of Science, instead of God.

Where was your God while she went through divorce alone, not only to save herself from abuse, but to save the child she brought into the world from suffering the same fate?  Where was God during all those doctors appointments she attended alone?  Where was God while she sat beside a hospital crib on multiple occasions, not even certain that child would continue to live?  Because it sure as fuck wasn't God that saved that kid..... it was Science, and nothing else.

Where was God while she was dealing with Poverty?  Trying to keep a roof over a child's head? Trying to keep that child fed? Clothed? Taken to so many damn doctors appointments?

Where was God through all the abusive assholes who came and went in her life, while all she wanted was to be treated with a modicum of respect and compassion and caring?

Where was your God when her own body betrayed her, and started trying to eat itself?  Where has God been during all Those doctors appointments, and doctors telling her she was just Imagining being sick, being in Pain so intense it was soul rending?  Being told, even Now, that she's not Really sick.. she's Just a Hysterical Woman who refuses to Diet?

Don't talk to me about your god.  If he exists at all, he's a cold, aloof, heartless bastard who doesn't deserve my respect or adoration.  He hasn't done a damn thing for me no matter how often I've begged and pleaded and cried.  He's a Fraud.  And he sure as fuck isn't Love.

Saturday, June 29, 2019

Breaking Points

Everyone has a breaking point.  They have a point past which they can no longer function, and pushing them past this point almost always leads to an unpleasant outcome.

I find that I have reached my own breaking point on several issues.  I won't go into what they are.  Not right now. There are conversations that need to be held, and actions to be accomplished before I will feel free to discuss what the issues are that have caused me to reach this point.

Life has become more stressful and unpleasant in some respects almost by the day.  Things that I "need" to do, responsibilities that I "have" to deal with, problems that I "must" over come.

Unfortunately, my strength is gone.  My patience has worn out.  And I find myself in a position where I have two choices - take a serious step away from those responsibilities and problems, or most likely suffer a psychotic break.  I've been living on borrowed time, attempting to find a third alternative, and have failed to do so.

Since I'm supremely reluctant to allow myself to be pushed into the later of those two unpleasant and unfortunate choices - a psychotic break - the only option remaining is for me to take a serious step back and let everything other than my own mental health fall by the wayside.

Its not going to be easy.  Its not going to be pleasant.  Its going to come with recriminations, accusations, hurt feelings, and most likely lost friendships.  I accept that as simply the way life works out some times.  I have no doubt that when all is said and done, there will be harsh words spoken both to and about me.  I find that I simply do not have the emotional energy or the spiritual capacity to care what is said down the road.

Come to think of it, I find that I lack the emotional energy to care about much of anything any longer, other than my own emotional well being.  I've put myself and my continued healing on the back burner for too long.

It is time I reclaim myself, and finish taking certain emotional steps forward.