So anyway, I've been contemplating whether or not to make any New Year's Resolutions this year, and if I do what they should be. I've learned through past efforts (or lack of effort, really) that I'm not particularly good at even coming Close to keeping the various Resolutions I've made. I just don't seem to have the willpower to manage sticking to any of them. Or perhaps rather than a lack of willpower, I should be honest with myself and call it what it is: deep seated laziness coupled with an absolute complacency about life. Inertia. Ennui. Apathy.
It's time for me to put a stop to that, though, and start showing a bit of responsibility again. I've taken the past few years to be (mostly) irresponsible about life, putting things on the back burner that shouldn't have been, wasting time and money as though I were going through a second set of the teen years. Then again, when I was a teen, I had this nasty tendency to be ultra responsible, and therefore much lacking in FUN in my life a lot of the time.
It's time for some changes in my life. I'm finally ready for a few, and in a much better position to appreciate them - and to Not forget what brought me to the point of wanting/needing those specific changes.
So to that end, here is my "list" for 2012, and perhaps a bit of insight into what brought about these particular resolutions...
- I resolve to Stop Smoking. Now, for the past 30 years, I've had an addiction to nicotine. Such is not easy to simply set aside. It's a physical dependency, rather than simply an emotional crutch or psychological bolstering agent. During the past year, though, I've gone back to work - at a job where I don't have much opportunity to stop and smoke. I only get a couple of breaks, spread far apart during the night, and the only time I can smoke is while I'm on break or on lunch - and even then I have to go outside to do so, since the company took out all smokers' breakrooms at the end of July of this past year. Heat, cold, rain, wind... doesn't matter - if I want nicotine, I have to go out into it, which is a growing pain in the rump. Then there's the simple fact that my current partner doesn't smoke. He used to, and managed to quit years ago. He doesn't complain about my smoking. He's never made any indication that my smoking bothers him. He hasn't asked me not to smoke around him. I still make a conscious effort not to smoke while he and I are together. It's facilitated by the fact that I can't smoke inside when I'm at his place (much like I can't smoke inside at work) or while we're in the car together - and he doesn't slow down long enough walking from a restaurant or business for me to do more than take a couple of quick puffs, not even enough to make it worth it to light one in the first place. Granted, I don't have the boredom smoking while I'm with him, or the whole "this is when I would normally unthinkingly reach for one and light it" smoking that I do at home, or the "OMG I'm so stressed out I either have to smoke or I'm gonna kill something" feeling that I get at work or when I'm crawling the walls with frustration home alone. I've cut down from almost 2 packs a day to less than a half pack a day during the past 6 months, and even managed during the end of July/beginning of August to go for 2 weeks completely without, and nothing ended up dead by my hands during that time lol. Yes, it's time. I can do this, and I'm not the weak minded follower little girl that I was 30 years ago, desperate to be thought "cool" by my friends who smoked.
- I resolve to lose 50 lbs or 3 sizes, whichever happens first. I'm more concerned with toning up, getting in shape, and pulling myself away from the edge of potential diabetes than I am with my Weight or Size, per se. While 50 lbs won't even begin to get me close to what Society says is my "ideal" weight for my height and bone structure, it Will make me a lot more comfortable, increase my stamina, make my clothes fit better, lower my blood pressure, improve my circulation and muscle fatigue issues, and make me feel better about myself overall. Again - other half hasn't ever brought up my weight as an issue - and in fact has done a lot to make me feel good about myself, and how I look, and how the world sees me. (Have I mentioned that he's an incredible man, and I'm truly blessed to have him as a part of my life? If I haven't, I should, because I am!)
- I resolve to be more financially responsible during the coming year. I've spent the past several months spending money on stupid stuff I didn't need, while sometimes neglecting to do things that I Should have been doing, like paying off bills that are still sitting and waiting for me. I've made way to many excuses for doing so. It's time for me to stop making the excuses, quit squandering money on things that are completely useless, and get my life back on track fiscally.