The Search Continues

For the past couple of months, I've known that I was going to have to move.  There turned out to be nothing I could do to keep the house from going up for sale at the state tax auction, and therefore I started looking at alternatives prior to the auction taking place.

Unfortunately, the search is still ongoing, and time is running out in which I have to find a place, get packed, and get moved out of the old homestead.  The new owners are already whining at me on a far to regular basis about why I haven't gotten moved Already, and are bugging me on an every 4 day basis about whether I have successfully located a new abode.  I'm getting tired of hearing from them.  I've long since been tired of the search.

Granted I could probably be making "more of an effort" but let's face it, when you have to rely on your friends (and work around their schedules) to do anything, it kind of limits the number of opportunities you have in which to go looking.  I don't live in a city where mass transit is an option.  Public transportation in Oklahoma City is a joke at best.  Cabs are expensive.  And with the summer temperatures routinely well above 95F, walking more than a mile to go look at apartments is simply not a valid option unless I'm hoping that a hospital stay for heat stroke will buy me some time and sympathy from the vultures who bought my family home.  That last one isn't an option that I'm willing to make any favorable bets on, so let's just call walking "not an option" shall we?

The new owners are getting more insistent that I GTFO of this house, so they can get to work on fixing/flipping it.  They aren't even willing to consider the option of doing some of the necessary work (like replacing the water heater, fixing the kitchen plumbing issues, or re-roofing) while I'm here - or better yet, fixing the problems and signing a lease with me so that I continue to live here, but not as the erstwhile owner.  Oh no.  They would rather harass me about moving more quickly, and hold off on doing any of the needed work. 

While they originally agreed with me (verbally, not in writing) that I had until August 1st to find a place and get moved, the closer to the middle of July we get, the more insistent they become that I be out prior to that tentative August 1st deadline.

Finding a new place isn't easy under the best of circumstances.  When you're under the gun to do so in a limited amount of time, it becomes just that much more stressful, and that much more of a pain in the rump.  Every rental place, whether it be an apartment complex or rental house, wants a $25 to $35 "application fee" just to consider you.  Unless they're downright ghetto-tastic, they expect you to have a lengthy (and easily verifable) rental history that is less than 10 years old, and a perfect or near perfect credit score.  Or if you don't have a near perfect credit score, 5 years of employment (at the same place) and a co-signer who is willing to be held legally responsible for the lease should something happen and you be unable to stay the duration.

I hate to break it to the various slumlords out there, but anyone who has that good of a credit score isn't looking to rent - they're buying, and not from you.  

At 46, I have way less than perfect credit.  And so does everyone I know, in the current economy.  Co-signers?  That's a joke, right?  My parents are either dead or in a nursing home (which disqualifies daddy from co-signing anything, even if he still had sufficient brain to not be considered legally incompetent.)  My only living sibling is an alcoholic drug user who has tried to kill me.  My friends are having enough trouble just keeping a roof over their Own heads to worry about whether I'm going to find a roof to keep over My head or will be living on the street in short order.

My choices are rapidly being reduced to 2: move into a ghettofabulous apartment that's falling apart, with drug dealers and prostitutes for neighbors and no choice but to keep a hand gun within finger's reach for when they attempt to break in (assuming they don't simply wait for me to go to work to do so, of course) or leave everything I still own behind for the new owners to dispose of, and start living on the street. 

Moving in with the boyfriend is not an option.  He has room mates, the room mates are expecting a child, and they might all soon be having to move if the bank manages to finish foreclosure proceedings.  Finding a room mate has not been particularly successful either.  There were several room mate disasters prior to the house going up for auction, which is one of the reasons that it ended up sold that way to begin with.  None to certain that I want to risk the room mate route again, though at this point I don't see that I'll have a whole lot of choice in the matter - the economy simply isn't good enough for someone to keep the rent and bills paid on their own unless they happen to be a CEO.

I'm going later today to look at yet another apartment complex in this general area.  I was told about it a couple of days ago by one of the women I work with, as another possible alternative, as it is a complex she and her hubby have been looking at as a possibility.  It's an all bills paid place, which in some ways would make things a lot easier.  No utilities other than my cell to worry about, and possibly my cable/internet.  Hopefully they will be reasonable about what sort of rental history they expect out of someone who has lived in family owned properties for most of the past 12 or 15 years.  Wish me luck, because at this point, I need it.  And I'm getting more than a bit discouraged by the whole thing.

The Making of Destiny

I firmly believe in Choice.  Life is, after all, a series of Choices.  We always have a choice, even when we think we don't.  Sometimes the choice is between what we perceive as good or bad, sometimes between good and good, sometimes between bad and bad.  Frequently the choices life offers us don't feel like "choices" at all, depending on the beliefs we currently hold.  There is, however, Always an "out" in some direction other than straight ahead.  Lately, I've been faced with the process of making choices concerning whether to continue attempting to save the house vs allowing it to be sold by the state at auction and moving into an apartment or rental property somewhere. 

On the surface, the choice to fight for what my parents worked hard to pay off and own free and clear is pretty set in stone.  It was supposed to be my inheritance.  I don't have to pay rent living here.  I don't have seriously close neighbors on the other side of a wall, potentially being a problem.  No security deposits for my various pets, and plenty of room in the back yard for the dogs to run in. There's lots of room, which meant I could spread out, and no individual room was To terribly overloaded with accumulated "stuff" that I've collected over the past several years.

The opposite side of the coin isn't as clear cut, but it has as many "pro" areas as retaining the house seems (on the surface) to possess.  An apartment is Much more limited in space, and therefore a natural inducement not to waste money I can't afford on accumulating junk I'll never use or will only use once.  Limited space also limits the number of pets that I am willing to obligate myself to take care of - no dogs, because they have no room to run (and I simply won't tolerate cat sized yappy little ankle biter breeds) and only 2 cats because more than that would overrun things in a hurry even spayed and neutered.  Limited number of pets = strictly limited amounts of pet food I have to pay for each month, limited number of potential vet bills, and limited opportunities for things like flea infestations.  Lack of space also means I go through and prioritize what I already Have, get rid of a bunch of stuff I don't use and don't necessarily Want, and toss out everything that's broken/waiting to be fixed or simply a space taker that serves no purpose other than to collect dust and eat up space.  Another thing that I personally consider high on the 'pros' list for an apartment - no maintenance issues to deal with out of pocket.  Along the same lines, there will Never be a lawn maintenance issue in an apartment complex - because there is no Lawn.  Other things I've been looking at include completely getting rid of 2 utility bills - gas and water - along with the yearly property tax bill and any issues pertaining to same.  Granted, those will be replaced by suddenly having to pay Rent each month, which I haven't had to do in Years, but that could be a good thing in the long run.  Having to be responsible for the rent on a place on the first of each month will force me to actually pay attention to my spending habits, and to get back into the practice of accounting (at least to myself) for everything that comes in and subsequently goes out, financially.

There are other choices involved in this that aren't as clear to outsiders looking in as the ones involved in fighting to stay vs letting the place go/moving.

I have to face a choice of continuing to fight for the house - and it's attendant stress - or step back from the fight, conserve my emotional strength for a battle I can potentially win, and get rid of all the stress that's currently playing a huge roll in things.  After all is said and done, if I kept the house, I would still have significant amounts of stress over it - there would still be maintenance issues, lawn issues, clutter issues, to many pets issues, past and current property tax issues.  And ultimately, there would be the fight with my brother when dad DOES finally die, over his contention that the house "should" be his simply because he's 16 months older and male.  (I still fail to see where his logic comes from.  I will probably Always fail to see the logic behind his argument.) 

We make our own destinies.  Each choice we make closes the doors on the choices we might have made previously, and opens doors to choices further down the road.  Each decision has consequences, each consequence leads to further choices.  We never truly leave the cycle of choice/consequence/choice - even in how we deal with the fact that we have to make choices and deal with the consequences of those choices.

Time for New Year's Resolutions Again

Yes, dear friends, it's that time of year again - the eve of what the modern Western world considers the New Year thanks to the Catholic Church and the Gregorians.  (Why they put the blinkin New Year in the middle of Winter, long after the Solstice, but well before things start actually turning to Spring with Imbolc and the Lambing season, I have NO idea - they were idiots.)

So anyway, I've been contemplating whether or not to make any New Year's Resolutions this year, and if I do what they should be.  I've learned through past efforts (or lack of effort, really) that I'm not particularly good at even coming Close to keeping the various Resolutions I've made.  I just don't seem to have the willpower to manage sticking to any of them.  Or perhaps rather than a lack of willpower, I should be honest with myself and call it what it is: deep seated laziness coupled with an absolute complacency about life.  Inertia.  Ennui.  Apathy.

It's time for me to put a stop to that, though, and start showing a bit of responsibility again.   I've taken the past few years to be (mostly) irresponsible about life, putting things on the back burner that shouldn't have been, wasting time and money as though I were going through a second set of the teen years.  Then again, when I was a teen, I had this nasty tendency to be ultra responsible, and therefore much lacking in FUN in my life a lot of the time.

It's time for some changes in my life.  I'm finally ready for a few, and in a much better position to appreciate them - and to Not forget what brought me to the point of wanting/needing those specific changes.

So to that end, here is my "list" for 2012, and perhaps a bit of insight into what brought about these particular resolutions...

1. I resolve to Stop Smoking.  Now, for the past 30 years, I've had an addiction to nicotine.  Such is not easy to simply set aside.  It's a physical dependency, rather than simply an emotional crutch or psychological bolstering agent.  During the past year, though, I've gone back to work - at a job where I don't have much opportunity to stop and smoke.  I only get a couple of breaks, spread far apart during the night, and the only time I can smoke is while I'm on break or on lunch - and even then I have to go outside to do so, since the company took out all smokers' breakrooms at the end of July of this past year.  Heat, cold, rain, wind... doesn't matter - if I want nicotine, I have to go out into it, which is a growing pain in the rump.  Then there's the simple fact that my current partner doesn't smoke.  He used to, and managed to quit years ago.  He doesn't complain about my smoking.  He's never made any indication that my smoking bothers him.  He hasn't asked me not to smoke around him.  I still make a conscious effort not to smoke while he and I are together.  It's facilitated by the fact that I can't smoke inside when I'm at his place (much like I can't smoke inside at work) or while we're in the car together - and he doesn't slow down long enough walking from a restaurant or business for me to do more than take a couple of quick puffs, not even enough to make it worth it to light one in the first place.  Granted, I don't have the boredom smoking while I'm with him, or the whole "this is when I would normally unthinkingly reach for one and light it" smoking that I do at home, or the "OMG I'm so stressed out I either have to smoke or I'm gonna kill something" feeling that I get at work or when I'm crawling the walls with frustration home alone.  I've cut down from almost 2 packs a day to less than a half pack a day during the past 6 months, and even managed during the end of July/beginning of August to go for 2 weeks completely without, and nothing ended up dead by my hands during that time lol.  Yes, it's time.  I can do this, and I'm not the weak minded follower little girl that I was 30 years ago, desperate to be thought "cool" by my friends who smoked.
2. I resolve to lose 50 lbs or 3 sizes, whichever happens first.  I'm more concerned with toning up, getting in shape, and pulling myself away from the edge of potential diabetes than I am with my Weight or Size, per se.  While 50 lbs won't even begin to get me close to what Society says is my "ideal" weight for my height and bone structure, it Will make me a lot more comfortable, increase my stamina, make my clothes fit better, lower my blood pressure, improve my circulation and muscle fatigue issues, and make me feel better about myself overall.  Again - other half hasn't ever brought up my weight as an issue - and in fact has done a lot to make me feel good about myself, and how I look, and how the world sees me.  (Have I mentioned that he's an incredible man, and I'm truly blessed to have him as a part of my life?  If I haven't, I should, because I am!)  
3. I resolve to be more financially responsible during the coming year.  I've spent the past several months spending money on stupid stuff I didn't need, while sometimes neglecting to do things that I Should have been doing, like paying off bills that are still sitting and waiting for me.  I've made way to many excuses for doing so.  It's time for me to stop making the excuses, quit squandering money on things that are completely useless, and get my life back on track fiscally.