Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The battle is real

Will the pain ever go away?

No.  The answer to that question is No, the pain will never completely go away, not until you die.  And quite possibly for 3 or 4 days after that point.

I've been asked a few times why I don't simply go to the doctor and get some pain meds, if I hurt this badly all the time.  Honestly?  Because it won't do me any good.  Not that pain medication wouldn't help - it would.  Going to the doctor and attempting to Get pain medication is what wouldn't do any good.

You see, I've learned over the course of the past several years - and it gets worse the older I get - that going to the doctor and asking for some sort of pain relief is opening myself up to a pile of hassle and headache and stress that I simply don't have the energy to cope with.

Doctors, over the past 2 decades, have been conditioned to view anyone asking for pain relief as a Junkie, if the problem is anything short of losing a damn limb.  This, folks, is a direct result of the stupidity of the "War on Drugs" and the hysteria over the false idea that if you take any sort of pain relief, you'll automatically become ADDICTED to it if its stronger than a Tylenol or Aleve.

News flash - wanting to not be in constant agony does not mean that someone will automatically become addicted to a medication.  Seeking relief from pain is not some sort of indication that a person will become a substance abuser, has any desire to get "high" or will do something like sell their medication.

Get high off pain meds?  If by "get high" you mean - able to function normally, such as brush my hair, get dressed, or lift more than 5lbs without having to bite back involuntary audible indications of pain (whimpering, screaming) - then yeah, I guess I do want to "get high."  If you mean 'feel euforia for the purposes of enjoyment or recreation, induced by mind altering substances or chemical assistance" - then no, getting high isn't on my agenda, and never has been.

Why don't I go to the doctor and ask for pain medication?  Because I just don't have the energy any longer - emotionally or physically - to make the attempt.

I don't have the energy for that fight.  I lack the emotional where with all, these days, to put up with the condescension and disrespect and sneering, as I get treated like some meth addict off the street.

I don't have the energy for that fight...

or for the explanation of what its like to live for 30 Years with a level 3 pain as the Normal state of things...

or the fact that I stopped bothering, 20 years ago, to try and do anything about That level of pain other than doubled OTC meds, because if I took something that would actually take the pain away at that level consistently, I would go through life as a freaking zombie

or explaining that I don't bother to Ask for pain relief until its at a level 6 or 7 for ME - which would be a level 9 or 10 for Normal people

or that the Depression is a Symptom of living in Pain for so long.... not the fucking Cause of the Pain

or that I've lived more than half my life wishing I could just die and get it over with, because it would hurt less

or that I've prayed, more than once, for a drive by shooting to happen - and to get lucky enough to catch one of the stray bullets, to put me out of my misery

or that I understand........ well and truly and Fully understand... why people can seek out doctor assisted suicide

So if I seem a bit short tempered - if I seem distant and vague and withdrawn, a bit snappish - understand that I'm TIRED.  I'm tired of having no energy.  I'm tired of being in pain.  I'm Really tired of having the medical community treat me with disrespect and contempt. I'm tired of doctors who act condescending.  And I'm tired...... just really Really tired... of people assuming that it is somehow a choice I've made, or that it should be Easy to get some relief... or that since I'm not constantly trying to fight a battle that I cannot win, that I must somehow therefore be exaggerating just how bad it truly is.

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