Let Me Try To Explain In Easy Words And Short Sentences

I have Lupus.  I was first diagnosed with Lupus a few months after the birth of my oldest child.  She is now 33 years old, so do the math. 

Lupus is Incurable. 
Lupus is Autoimmune. 

Lupus Patients each react differently to the disease based on their own genetic and environmental and other factors, though there are a few Most Common symptoms.

Lupus has Genetic, Environmental, and potentially Other (currently unknown/ unconfirmed) causes that all contribute to whether someone eventually comes down with it.  Lupus affects women 90% more often than men, and is thought to be linked to hormone levels, but it is not an absolute and has not be 100% proven in double blind scientific testing.  NO ONE knows with 100% certainty what, exactly, causes 1 person to come down with it and another to never go through it.  Anyone who claims to know 100% what Causes it  - is blatantly lying.  Full stop.

When I was originally diagnosed, more than 30 years ago, there were no definitive blood tests, and what few bits of bloodwork there were that could back up the diagnosis were neither definite, nor necessary, to Obtain a diagnosis.  That has changed during the course of my life, and although several of the existing blood tests are still far from 100% accurate or definitive, many doctors would prefer not to risk being seen as potentially Wrong, and therefore rely on those for all diagnosing rather than their own training.

And therein lies the crux of my current issue.  I am currently between doctors, because my insurance changed at the beginning of the year.  I was searching for a new primary care doctor when this whole stupidity surrounding nCovSars2-2019 happened to start rearing its ugly (and horridly over rated and over reacted to) head.

For most of you, finding  a new PCP or PD (primary care physician, or primary doctor) is a piece of cake.  You look through the list provided by your new insurance company, you pick a name at random off that list of In Network doctors, you call to make an initial appointment (where you may or may not show up with copies of your various records from your last long term doctor, typically just one or 2 doctors at most, covering a number of years, and perhaps 10 to 12 pages total) you go in, get a few things checked like your temp, bp, pulse, weight... then have a 10 to 12 minute conversation with your new doctor and forget about it until you come down with some seasonal flu or fall off the ladder and break your arm.

Finding a new doctor is not that easy for me.  Not only do I have to go through the list of approved In Network offices, I have to look at whether they have any experience with Lupus and other Autoimmune Issues.  I have to look into what their attitudes concerning Pain Mitigation happen to be, their ideas on pharmaceuticals (drugs that aren't specifically for pain) for both symptom mitigation and symptom control maintenance. 

I get to wonder, until I talk to them face to face, whether they're going to pull the standard routine of being a contemptuous, ego driven ass who thinks I'm stupid because I'm not them. 
I have to wonder how blatant they're going to be in their derision of the diagnosis given to me 30 + years ago, and reconfirmed (usually only after I snarl them into submission) by each of their idiot predecessors. 
I have to steel myself for the inevitable conclusion that Every Doctor I've Seen For 30+ Years Was Somehow Wrong, But This One Is Right.
I have to resign myself to the inevitable that they're going to want to redo ALL THE BLOODWORK AGAIN, and are going to treat me like a heroin junkie who crawled in off the street looking for an easy fix until they get the lab results back that tell them - gee, she's not an idiot, a junkie, or a hypochondriac after all.

I have to grit my teeth, and simply "accept" as my lot in life that I'm Going to be considered an idiot or a junkie by a large percentage of them even AFTER that lab work gets back.

And gods forbid that I not smile and nod and treat them like they're doing me a fucking Favor for treating me like I'm less than human.  Gods forbid I should protest when they roll their eyes and tell me I'm being Melodramatic or Exaggerating my pain issues.

How about the fact that I have to resign myself to 85+% of them blowing off everything I say - either because I'm Female, or .... worse  yet - I'm Overweight.  And I Must simply be Lying about how the vast majority of my serious weight issue started Due To The Medications For My Disease.

Every.
Single.
Time.

Finding a new doctor is no piece of cake for me.  And even after the first appointment with one, I don't know whether I'll actually be able to Work With Them until I've been there  a couple of months.

Some, its easy to see during the first appointment that we're not compatible.  I won't tolerate being treated dismissively, talked down to, or treated with contempt or a lack of basic polite good manners.  I won't.  And I shouldn't be Expected to do so, either.

So if you're one of those who think I should just suck it up and play nice to find a doctor - go fuck yourself sideways with a dry cactus.  I'm TIRED of playing nice.

Don't talk to me about your God, Just Don't.

What I have to say right now is not going to be particularly Pleasant.  In fact, there are no doubt some who will find it terribly offensive - especially if they happen to be highly religious or rather devout in their religion.  This is your opportunity to walk away now, because there won't be any apologies if you happen to become offended.

The same is true for all you special little snowflakes who are worried about being somehow Triggered by someone else's comments or opinions.  Opt out now - because I lack the time or the give a shit to have any sympathy for you.


Don't talk to me about your god.  Just Don't.  I no longer have the patience to maintain a polite facade while you drone on and on about how Wonderful and Loving and yada yada yada blah blah...

Loving?  Bullshit.

Beings who honestly and truly LOVE....... do not turn around and then Threaten, Abandon, Brow Beat, or Guilt Trip those whom they hold in such regard.

Beings who honestly and truly LOVE....... do not turn around and constantly Judge those whom they hold in such regard, demanding that they constantly beg forgiveness simply for Existing.

They SURE AS FUCK don't claim to Love from one side of their face...... while demanding Unthinking Obedience with threats of Torture and Abandonment as a result of failure on some level.


No.  Those are Not the actions of a being who expresses Love.  Those are the actions of a Narcissist.  Those are the actions of an Abuser.

All knowing?  All seeing?  All Caring?  horse shit.

Where was your God when a six month old infant lay in her crib, and her only sibling attempted to murder her........ and instead of being concerned about the potential psychopath in their home, the person who should have been her caregiver Laughed about it, and thought it was Funny?

Where was your God when a 2 year old child was being beaten Bloody with the limb from a fruit tree, because her 3 yr old sibling did something wrong.... but their caregiver was just Sure it couldn't be lil mr perfect sib.

Where was your God when a child too young to understand anything got told they were worthless and stupid and a waste of space?  Not once, but daily for years.

Where was your God when a child of 5 was left standing alone in the front yard, by someone that was supposed to be her parent.... and then 6 months later very literally Stepped On because that "parent" refused to acknowledge her existence, and looked at her with less remorse than a person would show for stepping on a cockroach?

Where was your God when a child of 6 was told that God Loved Her...... but if she wasn't Obedient, then God would Send Her To Eternal Torture For Being Bad?

Where was your God when a child of 8 came home happy to have made the highest score in class on the test..... only to be told that she must have Cheated, because she was too stupid to get that otherwise?

Where Was Your God?  Where was your GOD as that child grew to 13, only to be sexually abused by a man more than twice her age?

Where was your God when she was Raped by someone she Knew a few years later?  Where was God when she got told she was making it up out of jealousy when she tried to tell someone what happened?

Where was your God when she was being shamed into getting married, because she was pregnant?  Where was God when that husband abused her? Where was God when that husband's family abused her? 

Where was your God when that little girl, now covered in so many emotional scars that she couldn't even being to recognize herself, finally had her child....... only to have to deal with genetic defects that should have killed the kid..... if not for the intervention of Science, instead of God.

Where was your God while she went through divorce alone, not only to save herself from abuse, but to save the child she brought into the world from suffering the same fate?  Where was God during all those doctors appointments she attended alone?  Where was God while she sat beside a hospital crib on multiple occasions, not even certain that child would continue to live?  Because it sure as fuck wasn't God that saved that kid..... it was Science, and nothing else.

Where was God while she was dealing with Poverty?  Trying to keep a roof over a child's head? Trying to keep that child fed? Clothed? Taken to so many damn doctors appointments?

Where was God through all the abusive assholes who came and went in her life, while all she wanted was to be treated with a modicum of respect and compassion and caring?

Where was your God when her own body betrayed her, and started trying to eat itself?  Where has God been during all Those doctors appointments, and doctors telling her she was just Imagining being sick, being in Pain so intense it was soul rending?  Being told, even Now, that she's not Really sick.. she's Just a Hysterical Woman who refuses to Diet?

Don't talk to me about your god.  If he exists at all, he's a cold, aloof, heartless bastard who doesn't deserve my respect or adoration.  He hasn't done a damn thing for me no matter how often I've begged and pleaded and cried.  He's a Fraud.  And he sure as fuck isn't Love.

Breaking Points

Everyone has a breaking point.  They have a point past which they can no longer function, and pushing them past this point almost always leads to an unpleasant outcome.

I find that I have reached my own breaking point on several issues.  I won't go into what they are.  Not right now. There are conversations that need to be held, and actions to be accomplished before I will feel free to discuss what the issues are that have caused me to reach this point.

Life has become more stressful and unpleasant in some respects almost by the day.  Things that I "need" to do, responsibilities that I "have" to deal with, problems that I "must" over come.

Unfortunately, my strength is gone.  My patience has worn out.  And I find myself in a position where I have two choices - take a serious step away from those responsibilities and problems, or most likely suffer a psychotic break.  I've been living on borrowed time, attempting to find a third alternative, and have failed to do so.

Since I'm supremely reluctant to allow myself to be pushed into the later of those two unpleasant and unfortunate choices - a psychotic break - the only option remaining is for me to take a serious step back and let everything other than my own mental health fall by the wayside.

Its not going to be easy.  Its not going to be pleasant.  Its going to come with recriminations, accusations, hurt feelings, and most likely lost friendships.  I accept that as simply the way life works out some times.  I have no doubt that when all is said and done, there will be harsh words spoken both to and about me.  I find that I simply do not have the emotional energy or the spiritual capacity to care what is said down the road.

Come to think of it, I find that I lack the emotional energy to care about much of anything any longer, other than my own emotional well being.  I've put myself and my continued healing on the back burner for too long.

It is time I reclaim myself, and finish taking certain emotional steps forward.

The battle is real

Will the pain ever go away?

No.  The answer to that question is No, the pain will never completely go away, not until you die.  And quite possibly for 3 or 4 days after that point.

I've been asked a few times why I don't simply go to the doctor and get some pain meds, if I hurt this badly all the time.  Honestly?  Because it won't do me any good.  Not that pain medication wouldn't help - it would.  Going to the doctor and attempting to Get pain medication is what wouldn't do any good.

You see, I've learned over the course of the past several years - and it gets worse the older I get - that going to the doctor and asking for some sort of pain relief is opening myself up to a pile of hassle and headache and stress that I simply don't have the energy to cope with.

Doctors, over the past 2 decades, have been conditioned to view anyone asking for pain relief as a Junkie, if the problem is anything short of losing a damn limb.  This, folks, is a direct result of the stupidity of the "War on Drugs" and the hysteria over the false idea that if you take any sort of pain relief, you'll automatically become ADDICTED to it if its stronger than a Tylenol or Aleve.

News flash - wanting to not be in constant agony does not mean that someone will automatically become addicted to a medication.  Seeking relief from pain is not some sort of indication that a person will become a substance abuser, has any desire to get "high" or will do something like sell their medication.

Get high off pain meds?  If by "get high" you mean - able to function normally, such as brush my hair, get dressed, or lift more than 5lbs without having to bite back involuntary audible indications of pain (whimpering, screaming) - then yeah, I guess I do want to "get high."  If you mean 'feel euforia for the purposes of enjoyment or recreation, induced by mind altering substances or chemical assistance" - then no, getting high isn't on my agenda, and never has been.

Why don't I go to the doctor and ask for pain medication?  Because I just don't have the energy any longer - emotionally or physically - to make the attempt.

I don't have the energy for that fight.  I lack the emotional where with all, these days, to put up with the condescension and disrespect and sneering, as I get treated like some meth addict off the street.

I don't have the energy for that fight...

or for the explanation of what its like to live for 30 Years with a level 3 pain as the Normal state of things...

or the fact that I stopped bothering, 20 years ago, to try and do anything about That level of pain other than doubled OTC meds, because if I took something that would actually take the pain away at that level consistently, I would go through life as a freaking zombie

or explaining that I don't bother to Ask for pain relief until its at a level 6 or 7 for ME - which would be a level 9 or 10 for Normal people

or that the Depression is a Symptom of living in Pain for so long.... not the fucking Cause of the Pain

or that I've lived more than half my life wishing I could just die and get it over with, because it would hurt less

or that I've prayed, more than once, for a drive by shooting to happen - and to get lucky enough to catch one of the stray bullets, to put me out of my misery

or that I understand........ well and truly and Fully understand... why people can seek out doctor assisted suicide

So if I seem a bit short tempered - if I seem distant and vague and withdrawn, a bit snappish - understand that I'm TIRED.  I'm tired of having no energy.  I'm tired of being in pain.  I'm Really tired of having the medical community treat me with disrespect and contempt. I'm tired of doctors who act condescending.  And I'm tired...... just really Really tired... of people assuming that it is somehow a choice I've made, or that it should be Easy to get some relief... or that since I'm not constantly trying to fight a battle that I cannot win, that I must somehow therefore be exaggerating just how bad it truly is.

Mango Tomatillo Salsa - because Why Not?

So a friend and I were discussing meal plans via the Book of Faces.... and I happened to mention that I had set the crock pot up to slow cook a pork roast for Carnitas Tacos. And then I mentioned that I was making fresh Guacamole, Roasted Jalapeno Cilantro Crema, and Mango Tomatillo Salsa to go on the tacos.

Yes, making.  I prefer fresh and since I'm retired its not like I don't have plenty of time on my hands to do 95% of the cooking from scratch at home.  Besides - store bought salsas never have the right balance for my taste buds, nor can I ever find a combination that suits my tastes completely.  Don't get me wrong - there are some truly spectacular salsas out there to be had from the local grocery store.  And living in Oklahoma, where there's a lot of Latino influence in the food culture and always has been, there are any number of varieties to be found.

The real problem with most Mango based salsa, for me, is that for the past 2 or 3 years it has been very trendy to inevitably pair it with Habanero pepper.  I love a good hot salsa - but the older I get (and I ain't gettin any younger!) the less those salsas love me back.  My intestinal tract inevitably lodges a protest - so I decided a while back to start making a Mango Salsa for myself that strictly avoids anything more potent than Jalapeno or Poblano peppers, both of which are considerably milder than Habaneros and Serranos.  (And don't even get me started on the nightmare that is the Carolina Reaper,  the Scorpion Bruce T, the Naga Viper, or the Bhut Jolokia/Ghost!)

This particular salsa is also a tad on the "different" side because I use Tomatillos (those are the little green tomato looking things usually found near the fresh peppers in the produce section) instead of the standard diced Tomato base that most folks think of when they think Salsa.

So to the nitty gritty ... this is not a difficult recipe, but it can be time consuming simply due to how much chopping of fresh produce is required.


1 medium mango, peeled, chopped into aprx 1/2 inch chunks
1 small red onion, diced
5 to 8 medium Tomatillos, chopped
1/2 jalapeno, minced (this can be adjusted or some other pepper if you prefer something with more kick!)
4 to 5 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt (adjust to taste)
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon cracked black pepper (adjust to taste)
1/4 teaspoon paprika 
1/2 teaspoon fresh cilantro, finely chopped (or 1/8 teaspoon dried) (adjust to taste or omit if you hate it)

Chop the mango, onion, and tomatillos to roughly the same size.  Mince the garlic and pepper very fine - almost into a paste.  Toss everything together with the salt, pepper, cumin, and cilantro in a bowl, and allow to sit in the fridge or at least 3 hours for the flavors to marry.

That's it.  That's all there is to it, really.  You can do variations on this by fire roasting the tomatillo and/or the pepper, and by using roasted garlic or black garlic instead.  Cilantro is optional - we like it, so I use it, but it doesn't suit everyone and can be left out completely.  Salt and Pepper are always adjusted to your own tastes.

Observations from the Inside

I do a lot of contemplative thinking when I've got to much free time.  And let's face it, now that I'm no longer part of the work force, and likely never will be again, I have way to much free time.  Random bits of flotsam go skittering through my poor brainpan on an almost daily basis.  Some of them are large enough to cause a bit of a logjam, and get turned over a bit more thoroughly than the rest.

Today was one of those days when a logjam happened.

Have you ever noticed that habitual liars all seem to have a few basic things in common?  They don't consider it "wrong" to lie - but boy, do they dislike facing the consequences when they get caught.  Some of them hate those consequences so much that they'll go to almost any lengths to avoid getting caught.  They'll tell further lies, they'll attempt to distract you from what they are being confronted with, they'll attempt to misdirect towards someone else as the "actual" culprit, and inevitably they will try to paint you (the one who confronts them with Truth) as somehow being The Bad Guy.

Starting about 16 years ago, I began a run of bad picks in men.  All of them, to greater or lesser degree, turned out to be habitual liars.  I'm not saying that all males are like that - they aren't.  There are some good, honest, trustworthy men in the world.  What I am saying is that my picker was broken during that time frame, and those whom I chose - inevitably - were of the Other sort - the dishonest, dishonorable, and untrustworthy.  It's been one of the main reasons for me having the long string of ex's that I've got.  They underestimated my ability to tell when they were lying, or thought I was either too stupid to notice or to desperate to call them to account for it.  I always know, on some level, when I'm being lied to - even if it's not a blatant and obvious lie.  Something about a statement simply won't sit well with me, and will nag at the back of my brain until I finally start digging enough to get to the truth.

Most of the males in that string of rejects had a trait in common that I'm still stymied to understand.  All of them, once they were caught and the evidence present to show them "I know you're lying, I know what the truth is" attempted to convince me that it was somehow My fault that they'd lied to me.  It was for my own good.  It was to spare my feelings.  I didn't Really understand what was going on, regardless of what proof I had. 

Buzzzzzzzzz!  Wrong Answer!  But, we thank you for playing You Bet Your Life! 

It wasn't to spare me, or to keep from hurting my feelings, nor was it somehow for My good.  No.  It was to spare Them having to face the consequences of their actions.  It was to keep Them from having to admit that they'd over estimated their charm and ability to lie, and under estimated my intuition, intelligence, complacency, and desperation levels.  It was to spare themselves having to face finding a new place to live (all of them lived with me, usually financially dependent on me to keep a roof over their head and keep them fed) or live out of their vehicle - assuming they even Had a vehicle.  It was for Their own good, so that they could (hopefully) maintain what they saw as a cushy life at someone else's expense and trouble.

Ultimately that's always why someone makes the choice to lie.  They are looking out for their own convenience or comfort in some way.  They're avoiding immediate conflict that would be uncomfortable to them, either in the short term or the long term.  They're avoid responsibility for their actions.  They want something that they're not supposed to have, or did something that they knew it was wrong to do.

Don't ever make the mistake of telling yourself that its for someone else's good though, when you choose to lie to them.  The only person you're protecting is yourself.

Lives Matter? Since When?

There are those who are no doubt going to scream "racist bigoty racist" at me for writing this post.  They're welcome to do so - I honestly don't Care what folks think - I write for me, not for them, and certainly not to be politically correct.

Over the course of the past 2 years, I have watched as my country becomes more and more polarized.  I have watched as an increasing number of folks rush head long towards out and out race war fare.  And its not going to be getting any better any time soon.

It started with riots in Ferguson, MO., over the death of a black male shot by the police, and has grown exponentially over the past 2 years, disproportionate to the actual numbers of deaths at police hands.  A movement grew out of protests - protests that were based on deliberate misinformation - which continues to this day, with an agenda that is troublesome at best and terrifying at worst.

The "Black Lives Matter" movement has done more to promote racial discord than anything I can think of since the days of the Jim Crow Laws.

The agenda of this movement - of its leadership - is not justice, or equality, or even a leveling of the playing field.  The leadership of the BLM movement has repeated called (via social media) for mass murder of Caucasians, mass murder of police, rioting, and intentional upheaval.  They don't care whether someone has stood with them or against them.  They don't care whether you've fought for civil rights.  All they care about is the color of your skin - while screaming about being the underdog because of the color of their skin.

I'm going to make an analogy here that I hope will put things into better perspective.  It should, at least, explain why I have ........... Issues........... with the BLM movement.


There's a wonderful little restaurant down the road, called "The Liberty Bell."  Its owned by a kindly old couple named Sam and Lady Liberty.  There's a sign on the door that reads, "Everyone Welcome. Come in and find a seat!"

Over the years, a whole slew of folks have entered those doors.  Cold, tired, disenfranchised from various places, many of them penniless, and all of them hungry.  Each of those folks sat down at a table or the counter, glanced at the menu, and saw in big letters that the Special of the Day was the Freedom Plate. 

When asked what was on the Freedom Plate, 'ol Sam usually smiles and describes it for them.  "We start with a heaping helping of Constitutional Rights, slowly sauteed over the flames of independence, seasoned with Duty, Honor, and Respect.  To that, we add a touch of rugged individualism and allow it to stew while we build the sauce.  The sauce is kind of special, its crafted from the blood, sweat, and tears of those who've worked to help perfect the recipe and protect it from those who would steal it. We top all that off with a dollop of Justice, and serve it with a nice side of Truth.  We add a touch of spice to each plate as we serve it - the spice blend is a work in progress, and comes from the special touches of culture brought by those who've tasted the plate in the past and decided to stick around and make this their home.  Its kind of expensive, but its well worth the price!"

And those who came and heard the description from Sam thought it sounded Amazing, and asked for the Freedom Special, declaring that it was worth it no matter what price was asked of them.  They signed blank checks for an amount up to and including their own lives for its protection, should need arise. And Sam sat their plates in front of them, and patted them on the shoulder, and told them that their check didn't just cover Their meal - it covered everyone in their family, and all their friends, and their neighbors, and even folks who hadn't been born yet.

Sometimes, someone would come in and sit down and ask for the Freedom Plate, and old Sam would scowl at them and tell them, "We don't want your kind around here."  Inevitably though, other customers who had already paid for their plate would say, "Now Sam, you said that Everyone was welcome, and that my blank check covered all of them.  So you serve them as well."

It would take a while.  Sometimes quite a long while.  Sam would hem and haw, and try to serve them only a partial plate.  But eventually, he was always brought around to serve them up the whole plate, with all the ingredients that the others had been given.  He didn't always like it, but he always eventually came around.  Sometimes, there were customers who agreed with Sam, and didn't want to see others get served.  But they were always shouted down in the end, and folks got their plate.

Then eventually some of the grand kids and great-grand kids of those folks who'd had to be stubborn in order to get a plate .. they came in off the street, and sat down at the counter, and ordered as well.  And the plate was set in front of them, fresh off the grill, just like it was set in front of the descendants of those who had grumbled about "their kind" being served.

Now while their parents, and grandparents, and great-grandparents had been happy finally getting the plate, and not being denied a place at the counter - their children and grand-children weren't so happy with that.  Yes, they wanted the plate - who wouldn't?  But they were angry that the descendants of those early nay-sayers still got the full plate as well.

"This isn't good enough!  I want you to take away some of the ingredients on their plates - to make it up to me that my great granddad wasn't given his full plate originally! Simply giving me my place isn't fair, because you never denied them a place or a plate!"

"But  these aren't the folks who didn't want your granddad to miss out on some of the plate."

:"Doesn't matter - I'm not going to be happy until the tables are turned, and the descendants of those who were oppressive are made to pay for the mistakes of those who came before them.  And if you Don't do so - I'm going to sulk and lie and say my plate isn't full - and then I'm going to throw a temper tantrum, throw the dishes, set fire to the tabletop, and scream that its your fault that I acted that way!"


That, folks, is what we've got going on currently.  A bunch of spoiled great-grandkids, who never had to actually fight to get a place and a plate, throwing a temper tantrum over stuff that happened before their parents and grandparents were even conceived, much less asked for the Freedom Plate.

It doesn't mean that their great-grands weren't oppressed.  It doesn't mean that their grands didn't have to fight to get their whole dinner.  It means that they're causing a ruckus and throwing a temper tantrum because they don't think its Fair that others aren't now treated as harshly as they feel their priors were.

These people aren't Protestors, regardless of what they call themselves.  They aren't exercising the rights that good men and women fought hard to gain.  They aren't assembling peacefully to ask for redress of grievances.  They are Thugs and Spoiled Brats throwing temper tantrums - rioting, looting, burning businesses and homes, attacking others in the streets. 

I won't back them.  They've made it impossible to respect them.  They've destroyed what sympathy I might otherwise have once held for them.  They need to grow up, stop expecting life to be handed to them on a platter to somehow make up for what their ancestors went through, and start acting like responsible, thinking adults.  Not toddlers who've been denied a piece of candy, going to kick over the block tower built by the other kid in the room.

A few ugly truths about Life with a Chronic Illness....

Many people these days seem to be on an Inspirational / Positive Thinking Quote/Meme kick on social media.  I don't know if its because they simply like the memes, and therefore repost them again and again.  Perhaps its that a few of them actually think that it will somehow "help" someone on their friends list, or further down the line.

Here's a little hint.  They don't.  They don't make one damned bit of difference.  Any "inspiration" they happen to offer lasts about the same length of time that the meme is actually visible on the screen.  They aren't life changing or life saving.

Whether religious in nature or simply "positive" philosophy in nature makes not one whit of difference, either.  Most folks aren't nearly as religiously inclined as their friends think they are, except while they're specifically in church.  Then they turn around, go home, and go right back to the same things they've done Monday through Saturday (or Sunday through Friday, for those who hold sabbat on Saturday instead) for the following week, with very little thought given to whatever spiritual teachings they happen to profess during that "holy" day.

My life is governed by 3 specific things: Pain Management, Fatigue Management, and Stress Management.  That's it.  That's all.  Everything revolves around, and is dependent upon, those 3 items being properly and carefully managed.

All the inspirational claptrap in the world isn't going to change that fact.  No amount of Positive Thinking is going to change it, either.

Pain from Lupus and Fibromyalgia doesn't go away simply because we think "happy" thoughts.  Doing as little as possible to exasperate the currently pain filled area, taking lots of interesting drugs with sometimes unpredictable side effects, and simply gritting our teeth and ignoring it when we have relatively "good" days.... that's how we cope.  Because the pain never completely goes away unless we're so doped up on pain meds that we turn into the equivalent of dieting zombies.  (Dieting because we're not actively eating brains.)

Fatigue from dealing with pain, and from hyper-sensitive nerves, and from over doing it attempting to actually get something done other than sitting around feeling utterly Useless doesn't simply Disappear because we read some nice quote telling us to BELIEVE.  It doesn't go away from laying down and taking a nap either.  It never completely goes away.

Stress is a fact of life.  Even on the "good" days there are stressors.  What to wear, traffic, what needs to get done just to accommodate the simple act of surviving in the 21st century, grocery shopping and cooking meals and feeding the pets.  And dealing with trying to get dressed while you hurt so bad you want to scream.  Trying to brush your hair so you look at least semi-presentable when your arms are lead weights attached to your shoulders, and lifting them sufficiently to use the brush causes agony.  Asking yourself, 'do I have time to take a much needed nap, since I'm falling asleep in my chair, or will that totally derail attempting to finish anything today?"

Keep your positive and Inspirational memes.  If they make you feel better... good for you, more power to ya.  But don't expect me to suddenly jump up and proclaim that my life has changed, or gotten better.  And DON'T tell me that I just need to start thinking positive about my situation or looking for some non-existent silver fucking lining.

Don't ask me what I "plan to do differently to make things better for myself."  This is simply how life is.  These diseases aren't going away.  Nothing and no one is going to make them suddenly ..... Easier. 

I already do everything I'm Capable of doing to make things "better" for myself - by not doing much of anything, by sleeping a lot even when I should be getting Necessary things done, by "neglecting" daily tasks that are nearly soul destroying to let them constantly slide because I don't have the energy or the pain free days to actually Accomplish much..

by putting up with getting told I'm simply being lazy, or that I "can't" hurt as much as I say I do, by being told that I'm just looking for sympathy and attention and making a big deal out of nothing, by being ignored and virtually abandoned by those who are supposedly my Friends because I can't go out and do things simply because I Want to.....

Keep your positive thinking.  Keep your inspirational memes.  Just don't expect me to be inspired.  Or to be positive of anything other than that I'm ready for this to all be over and done with - but that I won't get That luxury until I'm dead.

Thoughts about the demands for Racial Apologetics...

So I've been seeing a lot of stuff online over the past year that basically demands that I feel guilty and be apologetic .... for things I didn't (and don't) do, and for genetics that I had absolutely no control over.

I'm referring to all the neo-liberal demands that Caucasians  (you know - whites, primarily of European genetic extraction) feel bad for the institution of Slavery in the US.  An institution, btw, that was ended in the US via violent civil war long before any of us were even conceived, and in most cases before our parents, grandparents, or great grandparents were even conceived.  Its an institution which continues (ignored in most cases by the media) in locations in Africa and the Middle East.

The media (in some cases) and neo-Liberals via social media (in many cases) would have you believe that if you are of European genetic extraction, and live in the US, that you are guilty by association and birth of being somehow complicit in racism, segregation, and attempts (whether successful or otherwise) to maintain a huge chunk of the US population in degradation and suppression.  Your only hope, as a person born with pale skin, is to apologize profusely for your very existence and the genetic background you had no say in, and take up a nearly militant stance on everyone else is a racist bigoted racist if they don't make the same sort of apology.

Let me make this perfectly clear:

I will not apologize for the actions of others - I accept responsibility for MY actions, and therefore I am careful not to act in a manner that Needs to be apologized for.  Things that happened before I was born - or even my grandparents and great-grandparents were born - are not mine to claim responsibility or guilt concerning.

I will not apologize for the genetic factors of my birth, or the skin tone attendant with those genetic factors. As an American Mutt (mixed heritage that includes European and Aboriginal/Tribal factors) who happened to have been born with Caucasian skin tones - that's simply who I am - an American Mutt.  If I were to expect some other American Mutt to apologize..... because they had African or Latino mixed with European, and they happened to be born with skin tones that reflected that heritage from 5 generations ago - I would be screamed at, called racist, accused of being insensitive, accused of attempting to suppress them, and told I was a horrible person.

The most recent bit of.. well... to put it bluntly... apologist claptrap.... that I've had the misfortune to run across went beyond that, to tell me that simply being White and Nice is an attempt to suppress those of other genetic backgrounds.

What a steaming pile of complete and utter shit this is, that some SJW millennial activist has come up with to feed their own guilt ridden emo-istic angst on the one hand - and sense of self righteous superiority on the other.  These idiots are so conflicted there are even recent reports of some of them doing things like Cutting (self harm) in an attempt to "apologize" for being White.

And yall call ME a racist because I won't treat some folks Better than everyone else?  Call me up to discuss it when you pull your head out of your own Race Filled Rhetoric.

An Open Letter To Mrs Turner about her son, Brock

Here's a little FYI for you "Mom" (or "Dad" - which ever one of you posted the travesty on Facebook declaring him some sort of "kind" and "compassionate" person just like the rest of us.) :

No, your son is NOT  a person Just Like Me. 

 

Your son isn't a victim of someone else's "indiscretion" and self entitlement. 

 

Your son CREATED a Victim Just Like Me.

Don't talk to me - to the World - about how Kind and Compassionate your "little angel" is.  Talk to me about how You failed to teach him to be responsible for his own actions.  Talk to me about why you're trying to excuse his actions - his incredibly reprehensible actions.  Talk to me about why you expect His Victim to be held responsible for HIS ACTIONS.

Your son doesn't deserve my Consideration or Compassion or Kindness or Understanding.  He forfeited the right to ANY of those things when he created another victim of sexual assault.

The person who deserves THOSE things - compassion, consideration, kindness, understanding, support, respect, gratitude for a willingness not to let this get swept under the rug to protect the reputation of a Somebody Sports Star..... those are reserved for his Victim. 

Those things - my compassion and understanding and support - are reserved for the innocent woman he Damaged with HIS ACTIONS.  Not hers.  HIS.

The person I Identify with - is not and will Never Be - some rich brat with a sense of entitlement attempting to dodge responsibility for what he did, and boo-hooing that he's now got to face the consequences of HIS ACTIONS after getting Caught and Tried By A Jury Of His Peers.. 

No.  Just NO.

 

I identify with his Victim.  A woman, just like me, who will go through the rest of her life saying to herself, "if I had just stayed home..." the same way that I've said that to myself for more than 30 years, after agreeing to Tutor someone for an upcoming test.  Not go to a party, or get drunk, or even go on a Date - just to go tutor someone who was having trouble with a class that I was doing well in, because back then I was nice like that..

I identify with his Victim.  A woman just like me, who will go through the rest of her life second guessing every decision she makes, and examining it for the potential to be abused by someone else - someone who, like your son, doesn't want to accept responsibility for their own deplorable actions.  Just like I have second guessed myself for more than 30 years, when I've had the courage to admit to the rape that happened to me.  Usually I just keep my mouth shut because I don't generally have the courage to pick at the scabs this much.

I identify with his Victim.  A woman just like me, who had a promising career, and dreams about the future - who will now forever carry emotional scar tissue, have trust issues, and have to deal with people like YOU making sick excuses for their "little angel." - just like I still carry the hidden scars from shattered dreams and being told the one time I was brave enough to bluntly say something about it in right after it happened that I must have done Something to cause him to act that way - because he was Such a Great Guy and showed So Much Promise as an Athlete - assuming I wasn't simply making it up out of jealousy or because I wasn't one of the popular kids that he hung out with.

I identify with his Victim. A woman just like me, who now has to put the shattered pieces of her life back together, and spend the next 50 or 60 years looking at the pieces of a figurative broken mirror, wondering why it doesn't show the same reflection that it used to show.

As a Parent, I understand that he is your offspring and therefore you will always love him. We love our children unconditionally, even when they're such pieces of dung we have to wonder if they are changelings left by evil trolls from fairy tales.

As a Woman - I sincerely hope you never have to go through the sort of devastation that young woman has gone through at your son's hands. The sort of devastation that *I went through almost 40 years ago, that I Still deal with some of the after effects even now. The devastation and emotional scaring that SHE will be dealing with when she's 50.

As a SURVIVOR - Your "little angel" will Never have paid Enough. He will NEVER have Suffered Enough. 

 

May Fate And Karma Deliver To Him Exactly What He Deserves and Not One Thing He Desires.

Giving voice to an old pain...

I wrote this yesterday, but didn't have the emotional wherewithall to actually get it posted Here until Today. 

People will tell you that Time eases grief - makes it easier to bear, takes the raw edges away.  Perhaps for some it does indeed accomplish that task. 

For myself - not so much.  I find that there are times when it bothers me not in the slightest.  And there are others - important days, days with meaning to me personally, with history behind them - that it wells up as unquenched as when the fires were first sparked.


___________________________________________________________

I've been sitting here trying to figure out why most of today has seemed a bit blah and lackluster to me. 

Then it struck me - today is February 13th. It would have been mom's 69th birthday today, if she were still alive. And in 2 1/2 weeks, it will be the anniversary of her death, 14 years ago.

She had just turned 55 when she went into the hospital for the final time, before she finally died from complications from the Systemic Lupus and Fibromyalgia that she'd suffered from her entire adult life.
 
She was my best friend. She was my confidant. She was my rock, my stability, the glue that held the disparate portions of my family together. She was the voice of reason. She was my encourager. She was smart and funny and talented. She kept her granddaughters entertained, and her daughter (mostly) sane. She taught me how to laugh at my own foibles, how to cope with a disease that never goes away, how to not give up on living when that's what I want to do most, and how to love even someone who doesn't necessarily really want to be loved.

And I miss her more now than I did the first year after her death - and will no doubt miss her more a year from now than I do as I sit here and write this.

Happy birthday, momma, wherever you happen to be waiting, taking a break from the pain that plauged you.

Spirituality vs Religion - the Great Debate circa 2005.

I originally wrote this in 2005, in response to someone who had asked me to explain in further detail my beliefs concerning the difference between Spirituality and Religion.  This is the whole text, except where I called the person by name, and requested he not be sarcastic in asking for further information.

Formating has been edited from that in the original email to facilitate ease of reading.

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Besides, I said "a" path towards enlightenment.. not "the" path. 

 

I no more believe that there is a single path to enlightenment than I believe that there is any singular manner of "correctly" practicing BDSM as kink, or any single way of perceiving a dominant/submissive dynamic between any given individuals.  (Do I believe that there is "one right way" for ME? certainly - unfortunately, that right way for me seems to be directly at odds with the "right way" for practically everyone else who is part of the human species, especially those who are most caught up in the conventionality of definitions and roles!)  

 

I am not, specifically, an atheist - a better term would perhaps be agnostic (the jury still isn't in, for lack of sufficient evidence in either direction) or more likely eclectic Gnostic.  I do acknowledge that there is potentially a "higher" entity.  Not "god" in the sense that religion would have us to believe - some anthropomorphized, better than human human.  But something so outside the realm of current human comprehension that it could very well be "god like" in it's capacity for creation, foresight, and knowledge.

 

Ascribing human emotions, human motivations, or human concerns - even a concern for humanity - to such an entity has always seemed to me to be a two fold problem of species ego combined with some bizarre need to limit things to the easily comprehensible.  Here, we go back to that age old instinctive Fear response when faced with the unknown or incomprehensible.  Relegate it to terms, and conditions, which even the simplest mind can understand and you remove much of the fear.

 

Am I necessarily "fit" to determine who is and who isn't on a path towards enlightenment?  Obviously not, since I'm simply another human being.  

 

Do I have a better than average grasp on the difference between Spirituality and Religion?  I like to think I do, simply from the amount of time I've spent on the subject as part of my philosophical/esoteric/paranormal studies.  I am, however, by no means Through with those studies nor do I ever expect to BE through with them.  There's simply to much material out there to be easily covered in a single lifetime.  I'm definitely NOT a Religious person, and haven't been since I reached an age of self determination and ability to study for myself.  I rejected Christianity - along with Judaism, Islam, and all other forms of organized, clearly defined, and restrictive religious view - once I'd done sufficient study on my own to know that they were all simply too limiting in the greater scope of existence. 

 

I reached That point by the time I was 12, btw.... I was fortunate in having parents who encouraged my study of a wide variety of religious viewpoints, and who insisted that I question, and then search until I found satisfactory answers to those questions.  I've read the bible cover to cover, as well as doing some of my own translation work from the original Aramaic, Greek, and Hebrew. (Did that as a joint project with my father at the age of 17, during summer break from school between my sophomore and junior years.) 

 

 I've read the Koran through from cover to cover, though I have yet to get around to doing any of my own translation work on that from the original Aramaic.  (Someday, eventually, when I have time and don't have 20billion other irons in the fire lol)  I've studied several of the Krishnic and Hindu texts, though not as extensively as I'd like to. (Again - someday, hopefully lol)  

 

 I've put in time studying various texts that have been specifically Excluded from the Judaeo-Christian bible, most of which were deleted during the conclaves held in the reign of Constantine.  (A man who murdered his wife and son; made lunar sects, prophecy and private meditation illegal; and then adopted Christianity as his "official" religion just before death out of fear that one of the sects he had wiped out <"the pure" is what they called themselves, devotes of a spider deity, actually> were actually correct about certain things, after encouraging the erection of temples to himself and an association between himself and the sun.  His political dictates played a significant role in what was - and what wasn't - included in the officially sanctioned texts that were included in the current bible.)  

 

And I've spent a lot of time studying the works of early philosophers and some of the less than conventional 'lunar' religions that are often lumped under the heading of "new age" or 'pagan' religions.

 

At it's core - religion is a tool towards teaching the outer mysteries to the masses while maintaining control over those masses.  The "outer" mysteries being those things available easily to all, especially those who do not desire to spend time delving into the Inner mysteries - those things which go beyond simple acceptance and faith, to plumb the depths of that which is not as easily perceived.  

 

Religion, because of it's placement of the inner mysteries outside the Comprehension of all but a chosen few Elite (as in a priesthood) to lead the rest, strives not to teach - but to contain and control.  In effect, it protects the status quo and strives to continue protecting and maintaining it, even (or perhaps Especially) at the expense of those it claims to shelter from "dangerous" knowledge.  

 

And by setting a large portion of knowledge outside the bounds of humanity, it maintains that control, enforcing it with warnings of dire consequences (such as "hell" in the mythos of Judaeo-Christianity and other religious offshoots of early Judaism.)  

 

When it cannot maintain control through psychological manipulation of the mass (those "warnings") it takes matters a step further, proclaiming things to be "heretical".... "forbidden".... dangerous..... and directly punishing offenders to the status quo - traditionally by means of death either through military campaign (crusades) or torture (inquisitions).  This routine of crusade/inquisition has not been limited strictly to the Judaic offspring, though it has decidedly been more Common with all religions in the ages since Constantine.  

 

Knowledge has always been dangerous to the auspices of the "Church" (whatever church that might be) because it removes the Necessity for intermediaries to stand between Common Man and The Universe.  If you and I are just as capable of learning Greater Truths as some elite priesthood, what need do we have in the long view to maintain that priesthood as a thing apart - special, elevated, and somehow "better" than average?  

 

No need - so the priesthood is dissolved, and control is lost over the masses.  Throughout history, those attacked most fiercely by Religion have been those who rejected the control of religion, and those who endorsed doing their own thinking and philosophical searching.

 

Inherently, spirituality touches on those Truths that have been traditionally guarded by an elite priesthood.  

 

Truths of  what mankind's place is in the greater scheme of things, truths of purpose, truths of understanding our interdependent relationships both with each other and with the rest of the universe around us.  

 

At it's core, spirituality searches for greater purpose, and strives to Individually define our roles within life.  It helps us, as human beings, to determine where everything "fits" so to speak.  It answers the "Whys" of existence, in greater or lesser detail, as each individual determines their own need to know the "why."  

 

It acknowledges, in various ways, that mankind is NOT the ultimate on the evolutionary scales, nor the master of all knowledge and creation.  It acknowledges, through it's questioning and the answers derived from those questions, that there are things that we have not yet learned - either individually or as a species - about how our universe works.  And it strives in it's way to progress from that point of lack of knowledge to a greater understanding and harmony with what Is, and what Works.

 

Spirituality requires the facility.. and the time.. for philosophical searching on an individual level.  Religion denies the need for such self searching, and discourages philosophical endeavors for any outside that chosen elite.  

 

 Spirituality dictates questioning life, self, authority, convention.  Religion discourages questioning of authority, and loathes the desire of the philosophical to step outside the bounds of convention.  (It is, after all, disruptive to the status quo and the power base of the elite to do such questioning or to refute convention.)

 

Can religion LEAD to spirituality?  Yes, at least to a limited extent.  The problem which crops up is that a reliance on religion teaches people to Continue relying upon religion for their answers.  It kills the drive to explore potentials and possibilities, and encourages a lack of thought, a lack of questioning - a total acceptance (on faith and insufficient knowledge) of what one is told to believe.  

 

Some people, obviously, are satisfied with that, and lack the drive to look beyond what they're told to believe.  They will, in my personal opinion, always be rather limited in what they are capable of comprehending, simply because they have given up the tendency towards further exploration.  Only time itself will determine whether I'm correct or incorrect in my hypothesis about their spiritual limitations... and I'm neither bold enough, nor vain enough, to rule out the possibility that I could be completely off the mark in such thinking.  

 

Can spirituality lead to Religion?  Not typically, in my opinion, simply because once a person starts on a path of spiritual enlightenment which isn't held in check by a specific religious dictate - they rapidly outgrow the limiting nature of such dictates.  While it's remotely possible, it's highly unlikely.

 

Contentiousness - its a thing these days

A few months ago, I went through a brief process I'd been contemplating for a long time. I became an ordained member of the Clergy.

The process was brief - about 10 minutes to fill out a form online, from a non-sectarian Monastery located in Washington state, which holds the belief that we're all children of the same planet regardless of our personal belief system (I'm pagan - Asatru to be precise) and should therefore all have the same access to becoming Recognized by the State as valid Spiritual leaders, Officiants for religious ceremony, etc.  Then I ordered a copy of my official registration of ordination from them (about $30 for copying and mailing fees) took it to the county offices where I live, and put it on file with the state authorities - for free.

I'm now considered a legal officiant for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings and Wiccanings, etc., recognized as such by the state where I live, with my ordination recorded in the county offices on a particular page in their book of registered wedding officiants.

So you might be asking yourself what my recent ordination has to do with being Contentious.

It all comes down to the debate on Same Gender Marriage.

I was asked by two friends of mine (pagan, but not same gendered) to officiate at their wedding.  Ok, so I'm looking at what it will take to be legally compliant to do so in my state, thinking about whether I want to take up the task and if it will be a "one off" or I'll stay current and hire myself out, when my state legislature starts tossing about a bill that would remove the government from having anything to do with weddings (no more licenses, just a certificate of acknowledgement filed after a ceremony by a member of the clergy) so that state officials - court clerks, judges, etc - aren't obligated to violate Their religious beliefs in order to officiate.

You know, that whole no same gender thing that some of the more conservative Christian, all of the Muslim, and a lot of Judaic practitioners consider absolutely against their religion?

It has become a bit of a sticky wicket really.  If the government forces them to conduct weddings that are strictly outside their personal religious beliefs - it is in effect interfering with their religious observations.  The counter argument, of course, being that Not forcing them to do so effectively forces their religious beliefs on a couple who want to get married.

So who, in the long run, is more protected?  The person who can go to a different priest, priestess, member of the clergy et al to have their ceremony?  Or the person who is having their religious convictions dismissed as invalid in the name of "fairness" to someone who has more than one option open to them?

We cannot live via the concept of "the Ends justifies the Means" folks.  We can't.  That way lies oppression and the end of anything even Remotely resembling true Freedom for Anyone.

What does that mean in this instance?  It means that no matter how much we might Want to force people to do what We consider "the right thing" - we effectively lose the war for the sake of winning a single battle.  It means that we can't force people to violate their honestly held religious convictions for the convenience of someone else, unless those religious convictions are causing Actual Harm. 

Actual Harm - not a case of the butthurt, not a sense of wounded pride or indignation, not anger at some faux "aggression" on the part of the religious person - actual, honest ta goodness, visible Harm.  Harm like is caused when a religion dictates a woman must be stoned because she was raped (can we say "Islam" which still Practices this, in much of the world? I knew we could.)  Harm - like throwing a gay couple off the roof of a multi-story building - which happens in the Islamic countries of the Middle East on a routine and regular basis.  That is harm.  A business owner telling a gay couple, "I'm not comfortable with making a cake for your wedding - my religious belief is that the two of you getting married is an abomination" is NOT HARM - its butthurt and indgination and inconvenience at having to find a different bakery.

This is Reality, Calling Collect. Do you accept the charges?

I want to take a moment to reflect on the commonly held belief of today's society, which is that we should (somehow) be free from ever being Offended by what someone else says.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!! WRONG ANSWER!!!!!!!

But we Thank You for playing, "You Bet Your Life!"

Frankly, if you want to make certain that you're never offended by anyone else's comments, I have a solution for you.  Suck It Up, Buttercup.  Go live in a cave, throw away all your electronics, delete all your social media profiles, and become a fucking HERMIT.  Because becoming a hermit is what it's going to take to avoid ever being offended by someone else's opinion.

I'm a tad fed up with the whole political correctness crap.  I've been fed up with it for a while.

The most recent helping of BS via the college campuses is that these whiny, spoiled rich brats - and don't make any mistake, that's what all of them are, regardless of color, religion, sexual preference, or political stance.... spoiled brat rich kids who've never had an actual hard day in their freaking Lives - is that they want "Safe Spaces" where no one else is allowed to exercise their 1st amendment right of Freedom of Speech.

They talk a lot about "microaggressions" being committed against them.  In reality, the only aggression is that someone disagreed with them, didn't coddle them, or didn't pat them on the head and tell them how Special they are.  And of course, there's the aggression of them becoming violent protesters because the person who disagreed wasn't suddenly forced to apologize and then get their mouth duck taped shut.

Get real and get a life, you self absorbed lot of useless wankers.  If you want to see what Aggression is like, try taking a trip to any of Dozens of countries where you Have No Rights, and can be jailed or killed for being the wrong gender, sexual preference, religion, or made the mistake of speaking out against the current regime. 

Go - please - travel the world.  Learn what REAL oppression is like.  Then come back here, and see whether you still feel Oppressed and like people are being Aggressive against you.

The Truth? You can't HANDLE the TRUTH!

Many of us are in the habit of lying.  We lie so much, on such a daily basis, that we even lie to ourselves and convince ourselves that we don't lie.

I'm not talking about huge, earth shattering lies ("No dear, I would never have an affair - not even if you suddenly became a drooling, wheelchair bound vegetable in need of 24/7 care and nothing but autonomic brain function, while I'm still young and vital and full of life and energy!")  I'm talking about those constant little white lies that we all tell each other and ourselves every day.

We've all had "that" conversation.  The one that goes like this:

Friend: "Hey - how's life been treatin' ya?"
You    : "Pretty good" (lie)  "How about yourself?"
Friend: "Can't complain!" (lie) "See ya later!"

Of course there's the lie where we feign interest in a hobby or news article or game or TV show that our friend, family member, spouse, or significant other is "discussing" with us.  We smile and nod and make the appropriate interested sounds or small, vague comments that tell them what they're talking about actually means something to us. 

The truth, of course, is that while we smile and nod and make the appropriate vague remarks, we're sitting there thinking, "Hey dipshit - if I actually gave 2 fucks about that, I would take part in the hobby/ play the game/etc Myself!"  But of course saying that would be rude and hurtful, so we keep it to ourselves and allow them to go on believing that we actually give a single solitary shit about what's coming out of their mouth at that moment.

Or those times when someone asks us how we're feeling.  This is a biggie for folks like myself, who suffer from a chronic illness.  The truth is that we're tired, we're over worked, we're in pain both physical and emotional, and we have a sense of combined ennui and apathy.  Depression consumes us, and we feel alone and lost even when surrounded by folks whom we call friends and loved ones.  We consider life to be fairly fucking miserable, and we often wonder why we don't simply lay down and wait to die, since nothing we do is going to actually make any sort of Difference.

What we tell them is that we're fine - we're great - we've never been better.  We smile and thank them for their concern.  We blather about how the doctor thinks we're doing better on the change of meds.  We laugh and tell them about this great new therapy protocol that we've started and how hopeful we are that it will make the difference.  And then we change the subject to avoid the potential of them figuring out that we're lying with every exhaled breath.

Don't expect people to stop lying to you.  Don't expect to stop lying to yourself.  Its deeply ingrained into human nature to avoid conflict, and we're all going to keep doing it.

Cry Me a River

I'm going to go out on a limb here (an admittedly short one) and warn you now about this post:

If you're seriously uber-liberal, or seriously die-hard conservative, stop reading here.
If you have issues with others exercising their freedom of expression, unless they happen to agree with you, stop reading here.
If you think social media sites like Facebook are a great place to Proselytize, whether Religiously or Politically, to get all your friends and acquaintances into the proper "Group Think" of political correctness, stop reading here.

In fact, don't just stop reading.  Go back to Facebook, delete me from your friends list, lose my phone number, and forget that we know each other.  Because what I'm about to say is going to raise your ire to the point where if you Don't forget that we even once knew each other, I'll no doubt have lynch mobs coming after me with pitchforks and torches.

I cannot begin to express just how tired I am of seeing political memes from both sides of the fence.   Don't ask how many people have been deleted from my online universe because of belligerently and aggressively attempting to sway the political landscape of their "friends" in this manner - you would honestly be shocked at the numbers. Wise up, assholes - you aren't going to change ANYONE ELSE'S MIND.  Ever.  You're certainly not going to change MY mind in either direction.  I'm almost 50, and my political views have been cemented over the years through personal study and watching the world - not because some casual acquaintance berates me for not being on their political bandwagon du jour.

The same can be said for Religious memes.  I lost count of the number of folks whom I've un-followed (and a few whom I flat out unfriended and/or blocked) due to constant bombardment with religious iconography, debates about how all the rest of us are going to hell (if I actually Believed in hell, I suppose I might be more concerned) and the whole "Share this and be BLESSED" thing.  Guess what?  Deity isn't some fairy godmother waiting for you to click Like and then pass along a Facebook post, and handing out an easier life based on how often you do so.  Trust me - my relationship with my gods is long standing, I'm happy with it, and there is less than a snowball's chance in your hell that I'm going to suddenly change my mind or my position.

Those two things having been said, I'm going to take a moment to address a few issues that are currently seriously polarizing hot topics right now.

A lion - albeit a famous one - got shot and killed by a hunter.  Wah?  The hunter has apologized, and you lot of slavering PC Army Social Justice Warriors have already managed to ruin his life, destroy his business, and send him death threats.  STOP already, and leave the man alone.  There are more important things in this universe than hounding someone to death for a hunt they were led to believe was legal.  If you simply Must Rant - then rant about the people who duped him into thinking that it was a legal hunt - not him for taking the shot.

For those who are hot on the Planned Parenthood scandal/debacle.... Come talk to me when you've Personally faced the agony of making the decision whether or not to terminate a pregnancy.  But if you happen to be Pro-Life prior to birth - and not give 2 shits what happens AFTER that point - you aren't pro-life.  If you're Pro-Life, but also Pro-Death Penalty, you aren't pro-life.  If you're pro-life, but want to do away with social Welfare programs - you aren't pro-life.  If you're pro-life, but consider those children you "save from death" to be someone else's problem as soon as they pop out of the womb, because there's no way You're going to step up to the plate and take responsibility for them - house them, feed them, cloth them, potty train them, raise them to an ethical standard, teach them to respect themselves and society, see them through doctors appointments and first heartbreaks..... you aren't pro-life, you're a hypocritical, anti-choice ass who needs to wake the fuck up.

Southern Cross Battle Flag - aka the Confederate Battle Flag:  Where was your outrage 3 years ago?  10 years ago?  30 years ago when Dukes first came on TV?  50 years ago?  How about 100 years ago?  Or even, for that matter, Last Year?  It was no where to be found, until the current media Told you that you should be outraged.  Racism is in hearts - not pieces of cloth - and without finding a way to get it out of hearts, taking down flags isn't going to make a single lick of difference.  All you effectively do is to say via your actions and attitudes, "You have a right to free speech, unless I happen to disagree with what you're saying.  If I disagree, then you have no right to say it."

Take those attitudes as you will.  Continue reading my occasional blog posts or don't.  Delete me from your friends list on Social Media sites or not.  Either way - these are my opinions, you aren't going to change them, and none of this is open to debate.

"If" or "When"

Life is the one thing that not one of us is going to make it out of alive.

No one.  Not one single solitary person.

People these days are so concerned with staying Alive.  They rant about staying in good health, so that they can live longer. 

Social pressure is brought to bear against those whose habits have been deemed to shorten the amount of time that they inhabit their current physical form.  Folks make it a point of giving up "bad" habits, of eating whatever the "experts" deem to be healthy (this week - just wait, it'll change with the next fad celebrity diet) of becoming more physically actively.  All with the intention of prolonging their time here on this crowded little mudball.

For what?

All of their habit changes, "healthy eating," exercise, stress relieving techniques..... all of it is pointless, in the end.  Its not going to save them.  Its not going to keep them from eventually dying.  If they are meant to die at a particular point, they're going to regardless of how careful they are, or how "healthy" their habits.

The point to all this?

Don't bother bragging on  yourself.  Stop trying to guilt people into giving up habits that have become socially unacceptable for "health" reasons.  Stop thinking that reverse peer pressure is somehow going to "save" them.

Its not.

Eventually, a grave waits for each of us, no matter how we try to fight it.

Its really over...

For the past 2 years of my life, I've been dealing with the grieving process of losing my last remaining parent.

That 2 year wait for dad's ashes is over.  I picked them up earlier today.

Since August of 2006, it has been a journey of trials and triumphs.  It has seen happiness, tears, anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, the effects of greed, the effects of stress, the gain and subsequent loss of a job, the loss of my family home, 2 cars, a boat, 6 pets, and 3 relationships. 

I've gone through periods of plenty, when there were lots of folks around and things looked great.  Vacations that were more than simply taking a weekend off from work but staying home. People who called regularly to hang out. All of the bills paid, and still having enough to put food on the table and take in a movie every now and then.

I've gone through periods so poor that I was alone for all intents and purposes, and living without even most of the things we here in the US consider necessities - like electricity, and running water, heat in the winter, a working phone, and regular meals.

Somewhere in the back of my brain, there was this niggling little voice that kept saying, "If you just hang in there and Survive, you'll wake up from the nightmare, and mom and dad will be there, and life will be Normal again."

Even during this past 2 years, after I was notified of dad's death, and went into waiting mode for his ashes to be delivered, that little voice still existed.  Going to the luncheon, and subsequent memorial service, hosted by the Body Donation Program of the local medical school, there was still that little voice saying, "its not really REAL - this is all just some bizarre movie plot you've been caught up in, and any second now someone is gonna throw back a curtain and yell 'You're on Candid Camera!"'

I didn't have this issue - that unrelenting sense of Unreality - That VOICE in the back of my head - when mom died in 2002.  I was there at her bedside in the ICU when she took her final leave.  I watched the heart rate monitor slow and finally stop, to set up that infernal wailing of the alarm letting the nurses know that someone was no longer Here.  That machine scream that says a heart has stopped pumping blood, lungs are no longer drawing in air, brain is no longer sending signals to the rest of the body.

But I wasn't there when daddy died.  I was... Busy.  I had made myself Busy for more than a year, when dad had his final stroke.  Alone, warehoused in a nursing facility, wondering why I never answered the letter that he sent 2 months before, and why I never came to visit any longer.

I made myself Busy, and tried my damnedest to ignore the fact that he was still alive, and still expecting his daughter to show up and simply Talk to him. 

I made myself Busy, and reminded myself of just how Frustrated and Angry I had been with him, while he was back home on Hospice, for being an insufferable dick.  And for dumping all the responsibility in my lap by getting sick and then not having the good grace to die Quickly instead of lingering for years in a half alive, half dead, brain damaged state.

I made myself Busy, and reminded myself regularly of just what a Hassle he had become, what with dealing with doctors and nursing homes and insurance companies, and Adult Protective Services, and my idiot brother screeching about how I was Wasting His Inheritance by paying for dad's nursing home care.

I made myself Busy, and told myself there was still Time, that he was simply too cussed mean to go ahead and finally die and get it over with.

I made myself Busy, and told myself I would go see him once I figured out how to explain to him that I'd managed to lose the family home that he and momma had worked so hard to provide.  And I told myself that I'd figure out how to tell him that, once I figured out how to get him to understand that his raising hadn't helped keep my brother from setting up the circumstances that cost the house, in an unrelenting show of greed and self absorption.

I sit here currently trying to sort through all the things I should have said, all the things I should or could have done differently, all the times I copped out and made excuses for myself to avoid going to the nursing home to see him. 

Coulda, woulda, shoulda - the missed opportunities are gone.  They will never be back, and I will never again have a chance to look at my dad and tell him how much I loved him.   The only thing left is a plain, black box filled with ashes, with his name and a pair of years on an unadorned sticker on the front.  A few memories, some fading photos, and guilt.

Its time for the perinial Ordeal of the Dead Bird! Yay!

Ah yes.  It's that time of year again.  The Holiday Season.

Bah.

Humbug.

Piffle and Balderdash and Rubbish!

If you can't tell from the above, this isn't exactly my favorite time of the year.  In fact, with the exception of Hallmark's favorite - Valentine's Day - I can't think of any holidays that I loath quite so much as Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Now don't get me wrong.  As a small child, I loved Christmas.  The lights, the brightly wrapped presents, the tree, and all the decorations and trimmings - they were Important to me in a way that such superficial nonsense can only be Important to the very young, or the very ignorant.

Something to keep in mind though, is that when I was a small child, stores didn't start putting up Christmas decorations, or playing incessant Christmas music, until December 1st or later.  The family didn't even start pulling down the Christmas tree and decorations until at least a couple of days after Thanksgiving.

It certainly wasn't already on prominent display in the stores before Halloween was even finished, and the left over candy had gone on sale.  There were Turkeys everywhere for the entire month of November, to remind us that Thanksgiving was at the end of the month - but you didn't see a fat guy in a poorly tailored red suit, with ZZTop-esqe beard until after December had officially begun.

Now as an adult, I've had to admit that even as a child, I dreaded Thanksgiving.  My grandmother, The Bat, always made that particular holiday more of a trial by fire than a relaxing family get-together.  I've ranted about it at length in prior posts.

Thankfully, The Bat is not a concern this year, as she has rather conveniently absented herself from my life again since mid-March.  The peace of not having to deal with her has been truly blessed.

I can't say that I enjoy the holiday to any greater extent though.  Mostly because I've spent a lot of time over the past couple of years studying holiday origins for some of the more uniquely American holidays that I grew up celebrating as a matter of course.

Thanksgiving has its roots in the late 16th and early 17 century, while the upper North Eastern US was still budding colonies of northern European origin.  The colonials were almost exclusively Christians of some stripe (there weren't as many stripes to that particular zebra back then - only Catholic and Protestant, not 17 gazilllion protestant offshoots of various names.) 


I haven't been big on most of the Abrahamic holidays - or the various enforced, Commercialized, Abrahamic Christian versions fed up to Americans  - for a long time.   Frankly, I'm a huge proponent of the concept that Freedom Of Religion - also means (or at least implies) Freedom FROM Religion.

Thanksgiving is an inherently American Christian holiday.  While I'm very much an American by birth and blood, I'm not a Christian and haven't been since I was old enough and educated enough to actually make a conscious Choice rather than simply going with what I'd been told I should  believe, growing up. This being such an inherently Christian holiday, what incentive do I have to even Acknowledge it, much less Celebrate it? 

Oh wait - I Don't. 

I did my harvest celebrating at Samhain (that's Halloween for all you conventional Christian types) and Yule won't happen until the Winter Solstice - and bears little resemblance to Christmas.  As far as I'm concerned, Thanksgiving is simply another of those stupid days when I can't get anything done outside the house, because the rest of you lot wanted an excuse to take a couple extra days off.

Samhain's Feast

Every year at this time, we come together to celebrate the season - the Harvest point, the end of Summer and it's attendant approach into the sleeping time of Winter while the earth renews itself. 

Whether you call it Harvest Festival, Dia De Los Muertos, Halloween, or Samhain, the sense of remembering the Honored Dead who have gone on to the next life seems to be universal.

For myself, I celebrate Samhain (pronounced sow-win) which is the ancient Celtic harvest feast and rememberance of the dead.  Each year, I make a trek to an SCA event held near Lawton, OK, along with about 150 other people. 

There we choose the next year's champions in several areas of skill during the day, and that night, we light a bonfire - the Samhain Fire - and hold a sort of vigil where we speak of our Honored dead and let go of our grief at losing them.

This year, I chose to once again compete for the honor of being named the Title Bard (Champion Entertainer) for the Barony of Eldern Hills (Lawton, OK SCA branch) who hosts the Samhain event I usually attend.  I was not quite fortunate enough to win - the young lady who did is a very talented musician - vocalist, harpist, and composer of her own music.

This is the piece that I wrote in preparation for that competition.

 Samhain's Feast

Sunshine on red and gold, orange, pale tan, and deepest green.

Mother Nature - Life's Lady 

dressed in Autumn splendor to hold court for the Earth

before Winter's death like sleep.

Dusk approaches, and the table is set

Empty places waiting amongst those who 

sit in revelry at Life's Table.

Night, creeping ever so slowly upon us

It thins the veil, opening the doorway

for ancestral visitors:

those Honored dead

who have gone before us to Valhalla

to sit and drink mead with the Gods!

Will you feast with us now?
Or will you exact payment for past transgressions

and send us to the very Halls of Hel?